Where You Belong

53

Her patient struggled unexpectedly.

It caught her off guard, but she didn't have time to chastise herself as she staggered backwards, struggling to catch her balance. Her heel caught the ledge of the pier, and suddenly she was falling, her last sight a fleeting glance of the small blond girl that reminded her so much of herself at that age.

Alone.

Afraid.

Lost.

The free fall to the water was too short to be scary, but also didn't allow Meredith to prepare for the impact. Her head and backs of her shoulders hit first, sending shockwaves of pain through her back, neck and arms. When her descent finally stopped, she was overwhelmed with heaviness as water pushed at her from all directions.

It was dark.

Cold.

She was completely disoriented, having no idea which way was up.

Panic washed over her and she gasped inadvertently. The cold water seared her lungs and she tried to scream, which only led to more water entering her respiratory system. It hurt; but not quite as much as the first time.

Her body was twisted, suspended. Stuck. Surrounded by cold, dark water.

It had only been hours before that she had been surrounded by warm, clear water.

Neither she nor Derek had slept much the night before. She had been struggling with the impact of her mother's lucid words. Derek had been uncomfortable, trying to be there for her, while dealing with a lingering headache and sense of nausea from the toxic scare the previous day.

It had still been dark when they had finally given up on getting any real sleep.

Derek's arm tightened around her as he snuggled closer, his breath warm on the back of her neck. "You're not sleeping."

Meredith smiled to herself. "Neither are you."

"Touché."

She giggled before sobering. "I'm tired, but...not."

"Hmm, very decisive."

Meredith smiled to herself, grateful that he was trying so hard to make her smile. "I love you," she whispered, unable to not say it in that moment.

"Mmm, I love you too," he whispered back before pressing his lips into her neck.

With a sigh, Meredith turned in his arms, offering him a small smile when she met his eyes. Her mother's words had crushed her the previous day, and she had laid her heart on the line when she had told Derek her most darkest secret. But he was still there beside her. And the look in his eyes told her he would be there always; no matter how many deep, dark secrets she revealed.

"I can't sleep," she admitted.

He smiled back. "Me either."

"I can't stop thinking about...everything."

"Mmm," he murmured, lifting a hand to brush the hair out of her eyes. "I'm sorry."

She shrugged awkwardly from her position. "It's not your fault."

"I'm still sorry you had to go through all of that."

"Yeah," she sighed. "Me too." She had never allowed herself to be sorry, because she had grown up believing that being sorry about it was akin to feeling sorry for herself. And that was something Meredith Grey wasn't able to be. But now she was sorry that she had gone through what she had. She was sorry she hadn't been born to a mother like Derek's, a mother who loved and cared and wanted nothing more than happiness for her children. She was sorry, but she wasn't wallowing in self pity. She wasn't going to live regretting what her mother had done to her, because that would allow Ellis to ruin her whole life.