Fix me

Chapter 2

Before I can answer she stops the car. We've arrived. There is an average sized white van outside a gorgeous house, and Cheryl says, 'Gary's here already.'

'What d'you want me to do?' I ask, already getting out of the car. I have ignored it so far but my need for heroin is getting stronger. It isn't bad yet, but I know I need to keep busy.

'Just get stuff out of the car, get it in the house, dump it anywhere, me mam won't mind.'

A small woman with short black hair comes out of the house then, and the guy from the previous night is behind her. She comes straight over, waving.

'Hiya pet, you're here early! This must be Kim then, how are you love?' she says, and she hugs me. I am slightly taken aback. 'Err, I'm fine, thanks, Mrs...erm...' I haven't got a clue what she's called, but she just smiles. 'Call us Joan pet.'

'Right. Sorry. Err, thank you for last night, I--'

'Aye don't worry love, as long as you're ok now.'

I can feel eyes on me, and glance up to see Gary glaring at me. He nods when I meet his eyes and says, 'How are you with heavy stuff?'

'Not bad. What can I do?'

'Can you give me a hand with the sofa in the back of the van?'

'Yeah, sure.' I walk straight to the van and throw the back doors open.

The exact same type of dog that bit me when I was a kid jumps out of the back.

I stagger backwards too quickly and fall over, slipping in the ice and thin layer of snow that fell overnight. 'F*ck!'

Gary grabs the dogs collar, takes it round to the front and puts it in the front of the van while I pick myself up, my face burning with embarrassment. Cheryl and her mum have run over to me. 'Kim, are you--'

'I'm fine. Wasn't expecting that. Sorry.' I try and appear as casual as possible, even laughing nervously, then grab some boxes from Cheryl's car boot and hurry inside with them. My heart is beating like crazy, and I'm shaking. I use the brief time I have alone to compose myself, then Cheryl follows me inside. 'Kim? I'm sorry about that... are you ok?'

'Yeah course I am.'

'Are you sure? You--'

'I don't like dogs very much, ok?' I snap. Cheryl looks sympathetic, and I hate that. 'I don't mind tiny ones much... but when I was younger... one bit me, and... never mind. I just don't like them.'

'Aah, Kimberley...' Cheryl says softly, extending her hand towards me. I move past her quickly. 'It's alright, I just wasn't expecting it to be there. And it's Kim.'

I go back outside. Gary is pulling the sofa out of the van and I go straight up to him, jump in and get the other end. 'Sorry about him, I should've warned you...'

'It's alright, I'm over it. You ready to lift?'

'Erm, yeah... Mam, hold the door back for us will ya?'

**

It is nightfall by the time Cheryl and I go back to her flat. I am completely exhausted, and starving, so hungry that I haven't even noticed yet how much I need a fix. Despite being so knackered I still remember I am in someone else's home, and stay standing in the flat awkwardly until Cheryl falls into the armchair and nods at the sofa. 'Sit down then. God, I'm shattered.' Cheryl jumps when her phone rings and rolls her eyes before answering it. 'What, Gary? Yes we're back. Everything's fine.' She looks at me, gets up quickly and leaves the room, but I hear her whisper, 'will you give it a rest! I'm perfectly safe there's nothing wrong with her! Bye, Gary.'

Cheryl comes back in and says, 'I'm gonna order a takeaway, what d'you fancy?'

'I'm alright, thanks.'

'Yeah right we haven't eaten all day! I'll ring a Chinese.'

I wait in silence while Cheryl orders a ridiculous amount of food. I'm trying to appear normal in front of her but I really need a fix now. When Cheryl hangs up she says, 'It shouldn't be more than half an hour. Listen, I'm sorry about Gary. He's... very protective of us.'

'There's nothing wrong with that. He's your brother, he's supposed to be.'

'Aye, he can be a bit overprotective though.' She sighs. 'Do you have any brothers or sisters?'

'Yeah... I've got a brother too. Adam. He's older than me.'

'Aah, are you close?'

I don't know how to answer this. We weren't. Then we were. And now... But Cheryl seems to accept my silence. 'I'll take that as a no?'

'It's complicated.'

'Is everything complicated?'

'Yes, actually.'

Again, Cheryl laughs. 'You're the most interesting person I've ever met, Kim.'

'How did you get there? You don't know anything about me.'

'Exactly. You're just... I dunno, fascinating, I guess.'

I don't answer. I lean back and fold my arms, trying to appear normal. Cheryl sits up, and for a second I think she's twigged, but she says, 'You look all hot and bothered, why don't you go for a shower before the food gets here?'

Perfect. 'Are you sure you wouldn't mind?'

Cheryl stands up and grabs my hand, pulling me up. 'Like I said before, do what you like, when you like here. Right, towels are in there...'

I wait impatiently while Cheryl shows me where everything is, then go into the spare room she showed me earlier and get my bag. 'Do you really need that?'

'There's stuff in it I need.' I say defensively. Cheryl just shrugs and leaves me to it.

As soon as she is out of sight I close the bathroom door. I don't even lock it; I lean against it, fumble in my bag for the heroin, breathing heavily. Just as I inject, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. And I hate what I see.

The drug seems to take effect much quicker this time. Dropping my bag I sink to the floor. I close my eyes, partly to block out the image of myself. I feel sick. I never wanted to become like this. Before I become paralytic, I tell myself that this will be the last time.

I don't know how much later it is, but I am startled by a sharp knocking on the door. 'Kim, food's here, are you ready? I'll get it dished out.'

Cheryl doesn't say anything else and I think she's gone. For the first time, I admit to myself that I need her. I almost cry with desperation, needing her to come back, but I still jump when she knocks again. 'Kim?' she sounds more worried now. 'Are you alright in there?'

'Cheryl...' I barely hear myself. My voice is just a croak. Cheryl tries to open the door, but my weight is stopping her and I'm incapable of moving. 'Kim?! Kimberley, open the door!'

Oh God, she sounds so worried. I'm sorry.

Somehow Cheryl forces the door open and squeezes herself through the gap. 'F*cking hell.' She curses when she sees me. She kneels next to me, pulling me into her arms. 'Kimberley? Can you hear us, pet? Open your eyes.'

When I see Cheryl, she is crying. 'I'm sorry.' I whisper.

'What have you taken?'

'I'm sorry...'

'Have you taken heroin?'

'Y-yes...'

'Jesus, Kim...' Cheryl moans.

'I'm sorry...' I keep repeating this, over and over. 'I won't... not again... never... again...'

'Do you want to live like this?' Cheryl says angrily. 'Will you let me help you?' she looks away, wiping her eyes on the back of her hand. 'Please let me help you now.'

'I won't...touch it... again.'

I don't know if I would call it falling asleep or passing out, but the last thing I hear before I drift off is Cheryl say, 'I'll look after you now.'