Dépaysement (h.s)

60

Out of breath I manage to force out, "Now. We need to find them now."

Zayn nods with worried eyes, "Okay, let's find Jade and Niall and we will."

Everything's a blur from us finding Jade and Niall, to getting in the car and to being back at the hotel now.

I pick at the skin on my lips as I stare out of the hotel window, watching the stars flicker in the moonlit sky. Everyone's discussing a plan right now but I don't bother to listen. I'm sure they will fill me in on whatever their stupid ideas are.

Why can't it be me? It's always her in these situations. She hasn't done anything wrong.

I've done way more terrible things in my life than her. I don't have enough fingers on my hands to count them. But her, she's done nothing wrong. She's innocent, fragile and sensitive. She doesn't deserve this life. It's my fault that she's in this situation once again. Every single bad thing that has happened to her since meeting me is my fault. The people I've hurt and the people I've killed are coming back to haunt me. They are taking it out on her because of me. Because of what I did.

I know what I have to do after this. It pains me to even think about, but it's what is best for her.

This life isn't for her, I've known that since the beginning. Hell, I even tried to prevent it. But once that girl is in your head, she never leaves. My selfishness need to be with her is what is making her stay. She consumes my thoughts every single day. Her face is all I see in my mind before I fall asleep and it's always the first thing I see when I wake up.

When I'm performing, I don't even dare to look at any of the faces in the crowd. Only hers.

It's always been her.

She usually doesn't notice the times I stare at her until my eyes burn, just admiring. The way her nose crinkles when I kiss it, the faint freckles on her nose and cheeks that pop out in the sunlight. The green in her eyes masking the tint of brown beneath them.

I notice everything about her even when she thinks I don't. The way she walks with confidence even though deep down she is so insecure. I know how to decipher her fake laugh, the kind that you feel like you have to laugh at something the other person said just to make them feel good about themselves, and her real laugh. The kind of laugh that is deep in her stomach and starts to hurt her cheekbones from smiling too hard.

Knowing that after this I won't be able to take note of those things anymore pains me more than I could ever put into words. But everything comes to an end one way or another.

"She's gonna be okay. So is Louis. They are stronger than any of us." Jade's voice distracts my thoughts as she sits down beside me.

I keep my focus on the stars, "I know they are. It doesn't make it any less shitty that they are in this situation and we are just sitting here doing nothing."

She sighs, "I know, but there's only so much we can do. We don't know where they are or who has them. Our options are limited. Can you think of anyone who would do this?"

"Yeah tons. But where do we even start? Like you said, our options are limited. They could be out of this damn state by now." That thought makes my stomach churn.

She shakes her head and places her hand on my arm that rests on the windowsill, "Don't think like that. Have hope. You have found her every other time almost always unharmed. We're getting them back no matter what it takes."

"That's the problem, there shouldn't have even been an any other time. And what do you suppose you can do? You don't have practice in this kind of shit." I scoff at her confidence in this situation.