Withering Lavenders ~ Kokichi angst ( Completed )

Day 19

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⚠️this chapter is literally a suicide note⚠️

Dear whoever reads this, assuming anyones gonna put time into this,
Just know, I will be taking my time writing this! This will be my last words and last thoughts, so I might as well make it long.
I would first like to apologize to the person who found me. Seeing a corpse is traumatizing, I should know. But I couldn't let anyone stop me, I needed to die here.
There isn't much I'm supposed to do here on earth. Accepting I'm pointless isn't that hard to be honest, especially when it's so obvious. This world has special rules, that my existence directly goes against. I'm futile.
A parasite if you will. Constantly taking, but never having enough to give back. And let me say I hate owing people.
I'm like a fucking disease, you can't ever get rid of me. Being nice to me is a grave you dig, I'll get too comfortable and call you home.
Growing up, my life wouldn't be considered easy, and it's quite obvious through my actions. Mommy and Daddy never loved or cared for me, they couldn't get rid of me though, it would ruin their career. Mom never wanted me anyways, dad was threatening her with divorce if he didn't have another child. She lets me know pretty much everyday she didn't want me. Maybe that's why I turned out this way, and maybe I truly deserve everything that happened to me.
The next person I want to apologize to is big brother Rantaro.
This is most definitely not your fault, yet you're one of the people I leeched onto. You've seriously given me so much, and to be honest you're about the only reason I have to not commit suicide.
Not only that but you've protected and helped me so many times, it's unfair to you.
For a year I was meant to move on from the deaths of people dear to me, yet I still dwell on them. Pathetic isn't it?
What can I say? I finally reached the bottom, after thinking I've reached there so many times, yet things keep getting worse, I refuse to live a life where nothing gets better. After all, once you reach the top, there's nothing else you can do but go down.
That's all a bunch of rambling, just an attempt to make you understand my choice.
My next apology I would like to direct to my school. They choose me out of everyone to go there, and yet I'll never graduate. Instead I caused a bunch of trouble and now there will be a record of someone killing themself who went there. I really am terribly sorry. Not sorry enough to stop myself though.
Sorry to Shuichi. I basically played with your emotions and made you second guess yourself. You are a good person, and a good friend, just I'm not a good one back to you.
And lastly, I would like to say.....
Sorry, Bee, Shitai, and Rae. It took me so long to join you all, I wish to be buried right beside you all. I didn't mean for my death to take this long, but I hope you all are still waiting.
My paper is running out of room so I should hurry this up.
Thank you all for being part of my life, but my life was never meant for a world such as this. This wasn't anybody but my own fault, be sure to leave me pretty flowers at my grave though. My love deep down goes out to all of you, goodbye.

~Sincerely Kokichi Ouma ♡, the ultimate Supreme leader, better known as a liar.

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...
...
"Gasp-" I lean up coughing intensely- I-.. where am I? The room is white, there's something attached to me-
Oh. I failed. God fucking damn it. Again? Can't I do anything right!? But... maybe they don't know yet, maybe I can just go home and pretend I wasn't trying to kill myself. I wouldn't worry anyone else then. If they haven't read that note yet then-
The small sound of a creak entered my ears. Footsteps walk in, and stop in front of me. I refused to look up.
"Kokichi?"
"..."
He moved next to me, and he placed his hands on me. My face, he turns my head slowly to him. I made awkward eye contact with a confused Rantaro.
"Kokichi, you're awake?" He asked.
"Hi Ran~ran." My voice sounded weird. I usually force my voice to be higher pitched, but it kinda hurts to not use my normal voice.
"Kokichi. Wh.. why?"
The reality of this situation finally sits in. I failed. Fuck- I failed. Dry heavy breaths leave my mouth, and I close my eyes. Dry crying. No matter how closed my eyes are, or how fucked up my breathing is, nothing came out. Why didn't it work? My plan was perfect.
This is it, I'm still god damned alive, in this dumb ass world with people who hate me.

Right, They hate me. Or not? I was discharged about an hour later, they performed tests or something on me, Rantaro stayed with me. He handed me my phone when we returned to his car. I honestly can't remember at all what happened after I woke up. But... my messages, from my classmates..
'Nyeh, I hope you wake up soon'
'You can always talk to us Kokichi'
'Degenerate male or not, no one deserves to die'
'I hope you feel better soon sidekick'
A couple messages from others, and even Shuichi.
'I'm so sorry I didn't do anything sooner, come back safe please'
Why? Why are they being nice to me? And, how, did they know I tried to kill myself?
"Ran.. why is everyone messaging me?"
"I told them."
"Wha- why? I wouldn't want them to know!"
"Well it's a little suspicious if someone doesn't show up to school in three weeks.. since I know you, people kept asking me."
"Wait, you said three weeks?" I thought- maybe a day at most what?
"Yep. Your brother found you. He said he heard a loud crash, and he found you unconscious." His voice was a bit stern.
"Oh." So that's what happened.
"Can you answer me one thing?" He turned to me. Before I answered he reached down to grab my hand. "Why did you lie to me? You told me you weren't planning to kill yourself."
"I lie all the time. I really didn't want you to stop me."
He sighs and continues driving in silence.
"We're stopping at your house first... then I'm taking you to mine. I don't want to leave you alone again."
"Why are we going there?"
"So I can take care of your cat, and so you can talk to your brother." Mochi?
"What do you mean? Mochi died, you saw her dead didn't you?"
He stayed silent for a moment, "what do you mean?"
"That night I called you- you came over and I killed her. Did you not see her when coming to my bathroom?"
"I did see her, she was very well alive, she got up to greet me when I entered your room?" He sounded genuinely confused. "I'm pretty sure I said this to you that night but... are you sure that wasn't a delusion?"
"So she's still alive-! Fuck take me home right now,"
"That's what I'm doing." He smiled.

It's now pretty late in the day. My brother and I had an, awkward talk. I also made our classmates aware that I was alive. Shuichi and Kaito were already trying to make plans with me or whatever. But I'm already very tired.
I'm in the backyard (specifically the garden), waiting for Rantaro. Like he said Mochi is very much alive, yet I can barely stand to see her still. I'm too violent to let myself be around her. I don't wanna actually hurt her..
My flowers look better though, maybe I was caring too much for them? Overwatering them or whatever. Especially the lavenders. They're sticking up so pretty. My poor oleander is gone though, I guess you can't save them all. It kinda reminds me of some people.
Footsteps walk behind me.
"Are you ready to go?"
"Yeah. Before we go to your place though, can we stop at one more area?" There is something I still need to see.
"Yeah of course, what is it?"
...
He drove me to the area without questioning me. He even bought me flowers to bring to them.
I step out of the car.
"Are you not coming?"
"No, I don't think I know them well enough to come.. I'll stay here, just come back when you're ready." He sighed.
"Ok."
I carefully walk past other people, every now and again I would see someone mourning. Losing someone is definitely hard, I feel for those who have. Eventually I walk to my destination, three gravestones, which belong to my three friends. I take my seat in front of them, splitting the flowers I got into three groups.
"Been awhile huh?"
...
"I tried seeing you all again. I'm sorry." I place the flowers down. "Ran~ran keeps telling me I need to get more friends. I still can't accept the fact you guys are dead."
...
"I might try though. I thought everyone hated me at this new school, but I'm starting to doubt that." A sigh escapes my mouth, "If ghosts are real, and you all are spirits or whatever.. I hope you continue to support me. I know I'll never forget you all."
...
"I wish I could've saved you, like they have been saving me. Hope's peak would've been really fun with you all." I stand back up, "I really shouldn't stay here too long. But I'll be back to visit. I love you, Rae, Shitai, and Bee."
I stand a little longer, like if I'm waiting for them to respond. Yet nothing came.
...
"I'm back." I opened the car door, and sat down.
"What happened?"
"Nothing much. Just so you know, they would've liked you."
I looked away from him, and he started the car. In the end, maybe you can't save everyone, people will be lost or leave regardless. But that doesn't define you. I still have people who want me. Maybe there's still a reason I'm alive? Well, fine. I guess I, willing to wait for it.

8/30/21 - 6/30/22
I finished this story awhile ago before posting,
Thank u for reading. More story's will be made and posted soon.