Withering Lavenders ~ Kokichi angst ( Completed )

Day 12

⚠️⚠️Abuse⚠️⚠️

     It's almost over, 6 more days... Why can't this come quick enough. Is it even worth waiting? What am I even waiting for? For someone to save me, to stop me? No, I'm waiting 18 days for a reason. The 18th, the day they were attacked. By day 19 I should be pronounced dead, therefore I'll die with them, in a way. I'm doing it for that? Aren't I?
     I look up at the calendar, the 18th day is so close. I had drawn a heart around it, as a constant reminder of what I plan to do. What I will do, but it's also a constant reminder of how  I just selfishly let them die.
     It's already selfish to be waiting this long, and to continuously bother people. Making everything worse. People suck.. All I wanted was to be left alone, if middle school didn't fuck me over what would I even be like now?
     Still a bitch? Or maybe, I'd actually be nicer. No, my family has always been messed up. There's no way I would be a good person. I was doomed from the start, my bloodline always had mental issues which just kept being passed down. So now I'm fucked the hell up.
     My mother is a narcissistic fuck, and being a actor doesn't help with that. She's been in a couple famous shows and movies, so a lot of people know her. It's annoying, like I've mentioned before, she doesn't get in trouble because of how popular she is. Otherwise she would be in jail by now like she should be. It's only nice when she has to leave for a while, when she goes out of town for work.
     It just sucks that I'm stuck with my Brother. He's able to drive, but my parents decided I didn't need to know. So when my parents are gone, he's supposed to feed me or whatever, but he doesn't anyways. He always spends the money on drugs to sell. It's not like I need to eat, I don't have a stable diet to begin with. Oh and why doesn't my dad take care of me when my moms gone? Because he's not fucking home ever either.
     He has a dumb job where he leaves for weeks at a time. So it's not like he's home, he'll only come on the weekends, and when he is here all hell breaks loose. I don't think I even want to get into it. He's way worse than my mom and Kono.
     I rolled over in my bed. Really my dad makes me wanna kill myself more then anything. He's the reason I even started trying years ago. It just makes me so- ugh. I can't describe it. I remember jumping off a roof once, that didn't work obviously. I remember the exact feeling through it all. Most people say when they jump, they immediately feel regret, I can say I sure didn't. Maybe I'm just that fucked up then?
     My family has a history of suisides and murders. And I guess I have to be the next one. So if this killing myself thing doesn't work out, there's a chance I could kill people. How great.
     I got off my bed for the first time today, and walked over to my closet. I'm quite lucky that I 'm able to lie to my parents so well. My closet is full of gay shit, and all the stuff I need to hide from my mother. I just told her I paint in here, and if she comes in without warning the paint could get everywhere. Apparently that worked, as far as I know she doesn't go in there. Which is good, she would kill me if she saw anything I had there.
     In the back layed a small bin filled with Sketch books. Years ago, my friends and I would share sketchbooks. Constantly passing them around, half of the pages weren't even filled with any type of art. It would be writings, conversations, or thoughts, or even book Quotes. Rae often read books in class, and she would write little quotes she thought we would like. I used to think it was a little dumb and cute. Now looking at them, it means a lot more to me.
     After filling up a sketchbook we would just decide who gets to keep it. Everyone had roughly the same amount. Now I have them, obviously, since they're dead. I still can't believe they were just gonna throw them away if I didn't say anything.
     I sat in my very messy closet opening one of the sketchbooks to a random page.
     'Not my usual book quote but "The dreadfulness of being alone can be difficult, but I shall always be there when you call my name." <3'
     Someone wrote back to it.
     'So sappy', And a small, 'I love u to' underneath it. Huh I sure wonder who wrote that. Grabbing a pencil from a pile on the floor I wrote under the response.
     'And I still do, Rae'.

• ♡ • ♥ • ♡ •
⚠️⚠️S/H mentions, out of character lol⚠️⚠️

     Reminiscing on my middle school experiences have made me realize some things. Mostly the fact I don't remember anything before middle school, of course I've been told things, and I remember very few things (or things that scared me), but I have no clear memories.
     I was told we moved to Tokyo from Russia while I was about 8 years old (or in grade 3), that I didn't have any friends. Apparently most of the kids would make fun of me or something, so I never played with anyone unlike my brother. I didn't need to though, I mean I'm doing great now. And in my meantime afterschool, I would instead learn different shit, like languages or something. That's why I'm quite fluent now.
     I've as well noticed that I still do some habits I got from when I was younger. Mostly things like hiding, nothing useful. Well maybe something useful, I mean I started cutting  myself for a reason. For almost as long as I can remember, I've been doing it. I don't only hurt myself in dramatic breakdowns though, only impulsive losers do that. Half of the time I'm just like bored, and just decide I'm gonna do it, to feel that pain. I don't need a reason to hurt do I? I mean I pretty much deserve it anyways. But is there really a reason for me to really do this? Do I like this feeling?
     Yes. I should be doing this, it's not bad enough for me to stop. I can't force myself to get help yet either, it's not bad enough for that. God damn it, even talking about this just makes me wanna fucking hurt. I hate this. No- I like it, it's fine. I do this because I should, I should like this!
     ...
     What's wrong with me? Why am I like this? It's my fault, I can't blame my parents or anyone else around me. This is my doing, I did this. It's too late to stop. Do I even actually wanna die? I have to. I have nothing else to do.
     I grabbed my phone. I don't know what I'm doing, but it looks like I'm going to my contacts.
     ...
     Ring, ring... Ring, Ring...
     "Kokichi? Why are you calling me at... 2 in the morning?"
     Shumai? Why did I call Shuichi?
     "I don't know what else to do right now, Shuchi."
     No, this isn't me. I don't want to say this, why can't I stop myself?
     "Huh? What's happening Kokichi?" I could hear him moving, I assume to sit up.
     "I don't know. I don't feel good. I feel like I'm gonna..."
     There was silence on the other end. He's waiting for my response.
     "What? What are you going to do?" I stayed silent again, I don't even know what I'm doing or anything. "Kokichi. Are you thinking about suicide?"
     "I'm sorry... Can you stay on call with me?"
     "Yes, will you be ok on your own? Do I need to come over or anything? I can get Rantaro.."
     Rantaro. He only pity's me. He doesn't care for me. I don't want to bother him, I'm already horrible for ruining Saihara's sleep schedule, and instead making him listen to me. When did I let myself become so vulnerable around him? He's going to try and stop me. I can't trust him, I need to stop talking to him.
     "Kokichi?"
     He's still on call with me. Why?
     "Don't. I'll be ok alone.. Just, please don't hang up."
     "Ok, ok. I'm here, just try to go to sleep. I'll stay here until you wake up."
     "Alright."
     I lay my phone on the pillow next to mine, and I layed down pulling the blankets over me. It sounds like he does the same, as I hear some rustling.
     ".. Shumai?"
     "Kokichi."
     ".. Thanks."
     "Mhm. Goodnight,"
     "Night."