Withering Lavenders ~ Kokichi angst ( Completed )

Day 1

Finally, school ended. I quickly grabbed my bag, and headed to the door. I couldn't wait to get home, I have so much shit I need to do. Mostly to myself, but nevertheless I still need to-
     "Hey Kokichi?" I heard someone say my name, as they grabbed onto my wrist.
     "S-Saihara~Chan?" I was taken by surprise, quickly regaining my composure, "Hey Saihara~Chan~! How's my best friend ever doing?" I wrap my arms around him, making him let go of my hand.
     He lightly pushed me off of him, "Kokichi, I actually need to talk to you."
     "Yeah, is something the matter my beloved~?"
     "Um yeah actually, you've been a little weird today. I just really wanted to ask if you're ok?"
     Am I ok? Bitch. Of course I'm ok! For some reason his question made me really fucking angry, he really thinks he's able to tell if I'm upset over something? No he's just a dumbass. "Hehe~ of course I am Shumai!" I laughed, "I'm just tired, I had to help my evil organization kill our targets after all!" That wasn't entirely a lie. I don't usually sleep at night, most of the time I take day naps. But with school I haven't been sleeping the best.
     He sighed, "Alright, if you say so. But if there's any problem you can tell me, alright?"
     Oh so now he's talking down to me! Doesn't he know I'm a Leader? He should be bowing at my feet. "Nishishi~ Silly Shumai! Like I said, I'm fine! If there was any problem with me I'm sure you, and your amazing detective skills, would already know by now!" Complements. Make them believe they're something they're not, and they'll be none the wiser, making them fail to see through me. I mean, nothing is really wrong with me, these are really just some after school activities to me.
     He seemed to be a bit flustered by my comment, "O-oh thanks.. But I'm not that good of a detective, so again, you can talk to me whenever."
     "Ok ok, whatever you say~ I have to get going to Avocado~Chan now, he's waiting to walk home with me so we can fuc-"
     "D-don't finish that sentence," he seemed to blush at the mention of sex. Stupid dumb idiot.
     I quickly ran out of the classroom, everyone else had already left. After leaving the building, I see Rantaro standing near the front, waiting for me. We live really close to each other, so ever since middle school we've been going home together.
     "Oh Kokichi! There you are." He smiled at me.
     "Hi Nii~San!" I ran over to hug him. It's honestly so surprising to me that Rantaro has been dealing with me for this long. I mean I annoy a lot of people, yet he still waits to walk home with me. It's kinda sweet to be honest, but he's an idiot for not leaving me yet. "Sorry for making you wait, I had to talk to someone!"
     "Heh, it's ok Kichi, let's get going."
     "Nishishi~ Of course!"

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⚠️⚠️Warning of Self Harm, and Suicidal thoughts⚠️⚠️

     "Bitch." I took the Razor blade, and cut a thick line on my arm. A recent hobby from middle school was cutting another line on me each time I mess up in a day. It's especially fun when I've done a bunch of shit in one day.
     "One.. Two.. Three.. four..." Counting how many lovely lines I've created so far, Wait, I forgot to add another cut from that conversation with Shuichi earlier. That for sure was a really big mistake I made, he caught onto me. And even took me off guard a bit.
     Quickly I added a couple other lines, even attempting to dig a bit deeper into my skin. I watched quietly as bright pink liquid made its way out of my brand new cuts.
     "Heheheh.." I felt the corners of my eyes fill with tears. I slam my hand against the wall, "God Damn It! I can barely even feel the pain now, it's not as good as it used to be!" My hands made their way to my hair, pulling it. I started hurting myself cause it made me feel better, the pain, that's what I was after. But if I can't even feel that anymore what's the point of all this!
     My hands seemed to loosen up and become still, as my eyes made their way to a lighter in my room. It's been so long since I've lit my candles, but I guess this can be used for different purposes too.
    I grabbed the lighter, making fire appear just in my hands, me being in control over it. Eagerly I moved my arm above it, far enough not to get burnt but feel the heat. Honestly I was a little nervous, I've never used fire before, but how different can it be? Taking a breath in, I lowered my already bloody arm, my skin soon reacted to the heat, causing burns to appear. After a bit I turned off the flame, dropping it to hold onto my arm. There it is again, the hurt, that feeling.
     I got up from my bed, and entered my bathroom. I took some tissues, to try to wipe off some blood. I threw them in the trash can, and turned on the sink, making it spill cold water. I put my bleeding and burnt arm under it, the water making it numb after a bit, which made me turn it off. That may have been a mistake though, as I felt the sudden urge to scratch my arm, it started itching. Doing as my mind told me, I caused my arm to bleed more but not just from the cuts today, as I also opened other cuts from other days. Now my other hand is covered in blood too. "Fucking hell.."
     Feeling defeated, I fell back onto my bed, if my arm wants to bleed so badly, then let it I guess. I looked up at the calendar on my wall.. "18 more days, just gotta live for 18 more days." Before, I committed. Closing my eyes, preparing to finally get some sleep, I hear a light ding from my phone..
     It was from Shuichi...
     'Hey I know you said you're ok, but something still feels off to me, please, if something is wrong talk to me. I promise I won't judge you or tell anyone anything please!'
     ... Liar.. I felt like I needed to tell him, honestly I feel like I should tell him everything that happened just now, and everything that has happened. I know I was just desperate for attention, especially from someone like him. But no, no I CAN'T. No, if I tell him, or anyone. They'll stop my fun, I've played this game for years now, and they'll try to end it! I can't let them, if I don't have this to calm me down, then what do I have? Even a while ago I had to stop telling Rantaro, just so he would give up on trying to stop me.
     Feeling a wave of tiredness take over, I just turned off my phone, leaving Shuichi on read as I laid down. Quicker than ever before, I felt myself drift off into a deep sleep, even with pain in my arm, and many thoughts in my head, I managed.