Withering Lavenders ~ Kokichi angst ( Completed )

Day 7

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⚠️⚠️Self harm, suicidal thoughts, mention of death⚠️⚠️

     Today sucked. It was like every other day, but everyone felt so far away. I know those rumors about me are going around, but even my 'friends' seemed to almost ignore me. And it's not like I even learn anything in school. I already know everything. I'm just wasting my time now. Why did I choose a date so far away? I just want to kill my self. It would make my life so easy. I wonder, when I die if anyone would care? I mean, about me, not how I died. That's all you hear about, how someone died. Never who they were.
     I grab my razor blade. I guess I only have this, until I get to actually die. 12 more days. As I drew small lines onto my thin white wrist, I started to notice some things. Scary things like knives make hurting myself hard, but things such as razor blades make it easy. I wonder if it's because you never hear horror story's, where people get hurt from razors, you always hear knives killing people but not something like razors. That doesn't make any sense does it? Ahah.
     I soon find myself lying in a pool of blood, coming out of my own carved arm. I should probably change the spot where I cut, Rantaro saw my arm already, I have to make him think I'm getting better again. Maybe I would cut around my stomach, or chest? I can't do my legs, it would be suspicious if I wore pants in summer.. they don't care if I wear long sleeved shirts though.
     Why is everything the same? I wake up, do things I hate, and go to sleep. I can barely remember having genuine fun, especially with my hobbies. I used to draw to make myself happy, but when I do it now, it feels like a chore. When I was with Rae, Shitai, and Bee, I always felt happy around them. Even when I had no motivation, I would draw with them, and everything would be better. It sounds so dumb, but in those moments I've never been more happy. I miss them now.. Technically I'm still making art, it's all just on my arms now. Ahah. I'm so stupid.
      When my mother hurts me, I hate it, when other people hurt me, I hate it. So why do I always want to hurt myself? It doesn't make sense. If I keep this up, I shall cut my body up into tiny pieces that need to be thrown away. How lovely, and how gross. A suitable resting place for a disgusting being like me.
      I laughed to myself on my bed, I started crying sometime while thinking, because I felt tears on my face. I would've kept my attention on what I'm doing, if I didn't hear my door creak. Fuck who is that-
     "Meow." There stood my cat, who pushed open my door.
     "Aww, come here Mochi," I made a couple weird high pitch noises, and patted a blanket on my bed. Oh shit- I'm still bleeding. Blood dripped onto the blanket, I grabbed my arm in some attempt to get it to stop bleeding. I mean come on, my cat just came in, let me pet and love her. Though I was looking for something to stop the bleeding, I could hear the bell on Mochi's collar move, as she walked over and jumped onto my bed.
     I stood up, and walked to my bathroom. Quickly I grabbed a towel, wiping away my blood. It was to no avail as more and more blood kept coming out. This is so annoying, I just want to pet my cat. After giving up I rushed to put some bandages on, in some spots I put it on too tight, and on others it was too loose. Damn. I typically have Rantaro do this and I forgot how difficult it was.
     When I walked back out of the bathroom, my cat was just asleep on my bed. Aww she's so cute. I go sit next to her, and pet her. Eventually I layed down next to her, where soon after I could feel her small paws on top of me. Guess she decided sleeping on my chest was better than the bed. Though I'd imagine that my stomach would be quite uncomfortable to lay on.
     ... I wonder sometimes, if I went with them, would there be a different outcome? I mean, the only one who survived was Shitai, yet the medical bill was too high for him to pay. He already was having trouble living on his own; since his family was dead, but he thought it would be easier to die then pay all that money. And so he did, a week later was his funeral. It's ironic that I have his cat, though he constantly compared me to them, I actually hate cats. But I couldn't leave Mochi, he loved her so much, and I know she's probably so confused wondering where he is.
     I should've just hung out with them, I stayed home because I was sad, and now look at me. No, look at them. They're all dead. Doesn't matter now, I'll be dead too, soon. 12 more days... damn, these have been the longest 18 days of my life. It still doesn't feel real that they're dead. Only last year we would be hanging out all normal, just for them to suddenly be gone. They were always able to be there for me, and the one time I should've been with them I wasn't. And for what? Something so dumb as I just didn't want to leave the house. While they fucking died I was sitting at home feeling sorry for myself.... I feel so bad for Mochi, unlike me she was right with Shitai when he died.
     ...
     "Kokichi?"
     I sat up, looking at my door. How did I not hear anyone enter my house? I'm home alone, so typically I would be more aware and paranoid. Guess being sad made me forget to do that.
     I look over at my door, to see who entered.
     "Oh, hi Rantaro."