[𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐄]
𝐑𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐍 𝐉𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐒
30 Months...
Almost three years since my accident. My first game playing pro in the NHL and I blew it. Many people have tried to help me but I'm past giving a fuck now. I just want to be left alone to drink my s...
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This feels normal.
Spending the day with Shelby and Lucas feels normal, almost like it's an everyday occurrence. I'm either explaining the information to both dinosaur lovers (even if Shelby won't admit it), or I'm laughing and smiling because they are both so similar.
On the outside Lucas can appear shy, reserved and even scared but when you actually know him he is just a mini Shelby. He is exactly how I first imagined her boy to be, cheeky, funny but gentle.
I love it. I love this, being with them like this. Seeing them both so relaxed, carefree, happy. I want to be the one to make them feel like this for a long time. I also want them to be able to feel this way when it's just them.
Sitting here and watching Lucas get crumbs down himself whilst Shelby scolds him gently I realise that all bets are off.
I like Shelby. Like really like Shelby.
So even if I have to be patient or wait for however long they both need to get used to me being around then I'll do it. They are both worth it. Suddenly I can see glimpses of my future.
I always used to think that I would be alone, then I was convinced it was in the cards for me after my accident. Now, however, I don't think I will be, especially if that person is Shelby. I can imagine coming home to her after a game, popping in to see her as she thrives as a physical therapist, maybe even fake a few injuries.
Dropping dino off and picking him up from school, I can imagine him as a teenager trying to push boundaries but ultimately he loves his mom to much to disrespect her. Would we get married? Maybe even have another baby, add to the family.
It might seem like I'm jumping ahead but the reality is I have options now. My future isn't just this open road anymore, I could actually have a destination.
It scares me. Fucking terrifies me knowing not even half of what they have both been through. I don't want to ever hurt either of them, but I still have battles of my own fight through.
My addiction to alcohol for one.
There. I said it.
Yes I can go without, I can choose to resist. But I also need the numbness it gives me. The relief I feel when I give in, it's next to none. Our bodies thrive off of doing the wrong things.
When we do right we receive no gratification. Our bodies are used to doing the right thing, therefore it's nothing new.
When we do wrong and get away with it? Adrenaline like no other, instant gratification pounds into you so hard you get a high that nothing else can fill.
