[𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐄]
𝐑𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐍 𝐉𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐒
30 Months...
Almost three years since my accident. My first game playing pro in the NHL and I blew it. Many people have tried to help me but I'm past giving a fuck now. I just want to be left alone to drink my s...
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"Roro getti."
I laugh quietly before peeling my eyes of the road to take a quick look in my rear view mirror. "You did like Ronan's spaghetti didn't you?"
He nods his head enthusiastically, eyes wide with complete seriousness and he swings his small legs back and forth in his child seat.
We pull up not moments later at the ice rink parking lot. Today is Lucas's first official day of being coached by Ronan and he hasn't stopped taking about it all morning.
Bless his little heart, he has never been this excited for anything in his life.
Me however? I'm regretting everything. I mean what was I thinking? Asking if I could rehabilitate Ronan's injury, I can't do it.
Look how I acted after he brought up Milo? I couldn't help but shut down, shelter myself and shove him out.
In that order as well.
It was pathetic, I was pathetic and I can't believe I let him make me like this.
I also couldn't help the fear the makes me hesitate with each step I take both outside and inside the rink. I didn't fear Ronan as a person, but I did fear him being a man. The power he could hold over me, how much pain he could bring, how he could instantly make my brick walls crumble with the need to be submissive just so I would be okay. Just so my son would be okay.
It makes no sense to me but my mind can't seem to differentiate the two. In my heart I know he would never hurt me or Lucas but my brain doesn't want to listen. I guess my heart wasn't the one being hurt. It was my brain, my thoughts, my feelings, my reasons for being me.
He never touched my heart.
But he did leave an imprint on my brain.
I fear that is worse.
"Ready mommy?" Lucas calls looking up at me as he holds onto my pinky finger just outside the rink doors.
I swallow deeply. Fucking hell Shelby, get your shit together. I said I would leave him to make sure my kids would never be hurt and somehow he is still hurting them one way or another even when he's not here.
I clear my throat and force a smile, "Of course baby. Let's go Dino!" He grins and steps forward to open the doors and I will my heartbeat to get a grip.
I feel relieved when I take note of the empty rink, glad we are here before Ronan so I can try and calm myself down a little.
