Where You Belong

59

The door shut behind her, and the only sound in the room was Derek breathing behind her. In. Out. And then, "I'm here."

A hissing, frustrated laugh escaped her lips.

His tone changed when he spoke again. "I'm sorry I don't know what to say." Desperate. Apologetic. Lost.

Unable to turn herself to face him, she lifted a hand, knowing he would meet it with his own. "Trust me, Derek, you being here is the only reason I'm still standing...or whatever. Seriously, that was a stupid freaking metaphor, because I can't even stand." She had scoffed at the concept of a wheelchair that morning, but when she hadn't even been able to stand on her own, she had relented.

"It'll get better," he soothed.

She squeezed his hand. "I'm so glad you're here," she whispered.

"Do you want...what do you want?"

She stared at the form before her. "I don't know."

He stepped closer behind her, still clutching her hand, his other falling onto her shoulder. "Do you want to be closer?"

It felt like her world was spinning. Regardless of the fact that her mother had been gone for many years, the fact that she was now gone, gone seemed impossible. "I..." she trailed off.

"Or...should I pull the sheet back for you?"

Her lower jaw quivered, ready to move if only words would come to her. Everything seemed so surreal. The size of the room wasn't constant, instead the walls seemed to be vibrating. Close. Far. Close. Far. It was as if everything was closing in on her and shooting away at the same time. And a horrible white figure loomed before her.

"Or maybe you wanted to try standing again? I can help you, if you want to-"

"Shut up!" She finally snapped. "I just...shut up! I don't know what I freaking want, okay?" Tears flowed over her lower lids and a sob escaped her lips. "Stop pushing me. I just need a freaking minute. Okay? Can you just...stop?"

Silence.

Meredith released Derek's hand and brought both of hers to her face. Tears now streamed down her face freely. Her chest heaved painfully as she sobbed. Nothing was okay.

Nothing was okay at all.

Derek crouched beside her, his arms wrapping loosely around her, not daring to hold her tight, but needing to be there. He said nothing, knowing there was nothing he could say to make this any easier. And suddenly things were just a little bit okay, a little less out of control.

"Oh...I..." she sobbed.

He leaned his forehead against the side of her head and breathed. In. Out. In. Out.

She moved one hand from her face to his hair, clutching desperately at his curls. "I'm s-sorry," she cried.

"Hey," he soothed. "It doesn't matter."

She inhaled a shaky breath, before expelling it in a rush of pain and pathetic-ness. "I need you," she whispered between sobs. "I...I need you."

"I'm here."

Meredith cried. "You're all I have."

"That's not true," he assured. "You have so many people in your life, Mer. But it's okay if you love me best..."

She released a laughing sob at his attempt at humour. He was trying so hard to make this easier on her. "I need you," she whispered fiercely, needing him to understand.

"You have me."

"I can't be this."

He paused. "This?"