Cold All the Way Through, But Warming

White Camellias

Which he knew.

I burrowed further into him, he was so warm, especially now that he had begun to wear his thick wool uniform jacket inside. "Of course, you're new and exciting. Why do you think Mrs. Astor likes you so much?" I felt him grumble a bit at that, but he pressed a kiss to my head. I sighed, "Well, we only have a few months left."

"Five."

"Right." I let my eyes close, "Five more miserable weeks for me, and then maybe I won't have to deal with it for awhile."

His arms shifted me in his lap, "What would you want first? A boy or a girl?"

"First?" I cracked an eye at him, to see him grinning at me. "Getting a bit excited, darling?"

"I've always wanted enough children to crew a small yacht. We managed it on our own, but I think with four or five hands we could let them sail while we relax." He smirked at me, "Send them off with their governess while we retire to the cabin down below and work on a new little sibling for them."

"After five children I would hope you'd let me relax." I snorted, "I think I would want a girl, first. Boys always seem so troublesome." I looked to him, "What about you?"

"So long as they're healthy and you make it through, I'll be the happiest man in the world." His hand snaked around to my stomach, currently soft and smooth under his hand. "And as long as they have you as their mother, they'll be the luckiest of children." I brought my own hand around to wrap my fingers around his. "But Ana, I don't want you to feel that you should immediately get with child."

"Don't you want that?" I settled into the crook of his shoulder. "Most men seem like they can't wait to see their wives pregnant."

"I do want to see you like that, because I know you'll be a wonderful mother and I want so badly to be a father, but not so soon. I want you to enjoy just being a wife for some time." He let his fingers rise to brush through my hair. "I want it to happen as it will, not because you're trying for it. Ada always was." He drew me a little closer at the mention of her name. "She tried so hard, and I could see it break her every month. I told her it didn't matter, that I would love her no matter what happened, but I could see she didn't believe me. I don't want you to be like that, I want you to be happy."

"And I want you to be happy." I replied, leaning up to kiss his cheek. "And it sounds like you would be happy to be a father."

"I would." He nodded, "But I don't want to lose you just to gain that happiness. I am happy with you, Ana, regardless of what will happen, that will never change." He brushed his fingers along my cheek, "I want us to have children, I want to have a family, but you're a part of it. I don't want to have to find a third wife."

"Would you?" I had to admit I was curious. While it wasn't as common for mothers to die as it had been, it wasn't unknown. "If I died having a child?"

He was quiet for a long time. "I would live for the child, but if both of you were gone, I can't-"

"Shhh." I clapped my hand over his lips. "Don't finish that. I shouldn't have said it." I wound my arms around him, pulling myself tighter to him. "We shouldn't even think of that, we're going to have however many children we're going to be blessed with and we'll raise all of them together." I heard him chuckle, tightening his arms around me. "I don't ever want you to think of that again."

"I will try. Perhaps if I had a distraction. We could discuss names?"

"Let's wait for that until we know one is coming. My God, it's cold in here. Could you throw another log on the fire?" I shivered against him, batting my eyelashes. "Although, perhaps if you opened your jacket and let me get a bit closer to you, well, it might warm me some." I was already toying with the buttons as he brought his hands up to help.