HIATUS|| Grian Centric Oneshots, Song Fics, Angst, Fluff, H/C, and Crossovers!(

Hurts Like Hell- a song fic- song by Fleurie and Tommee Profitt

T/W: death, suicide, blood, murder, etc.

Hermit(s): Grian  

Type: songfic, deathfic, angst

POV: Grian 

"How can i say this without breaking?

How can say this without taking over?

How can i put it down into words?

When it's almost too much for my soul alone."

I cry at the grave. His grave. He can't be dead. None of them can be. But there they are, dead bodies piled up, discarded like dirty clothes. It's my fault. I should have been a better person, a better Admin, a better friend. Because of me, my actions, they are dead. All of them. But it doesn't matter that i saw them get killed, it doesn't matter that i heard their screams, saw their blood, felt their pain.  It doesn't matter that I buried them, that i killed them. They can't be dead.

My brain, no, heart, can't expect this. My soul can't take this. I thought i was safe. I thought i was free. What stupid words. Free, safe, sorry, in the end, it doesn't matter what's said. They're still dead. Still gone. 

Is it too much to love? To live? To not be alone? 

"I loved, and i loved, and I lost you.

I loved, and i loved, and i lost you.

I loved, and i loved, and i lost you.

And it hurts like hell.

Yeah, it hurts like hell."

<2 years later>

I hear rockets, and flinch. Turning around, i see Mumbo. I hear his soft reassurances, feel his tall frame bend down to hug me, taste the sting in my throat, smell the smell of blood. On me, on him, on the ground, everywhere. 

And then he's falling away from me, his voice, and Tartus's, and pearl's, and all the others yelling at me, blaming me, calling me a murderer, a killer, a monster. 

And then I'm awake, and my breathing is fast and my head light, as if filled with helium, and my heart broken, and- and- and i want Mumbo, i want to tell him everything, but then they would come, and he would know, they would all know. 

"I don't want them to know the secrets,

I don't want them to know the way i loved you,

I don't think they'd understand, no

I don't think they would except me, no

I loved, and i loved, and i lost you.

I loved, and i loved, and i lost you.

I loved, and i loved, and i lost you.

And it hurts like hell,

Yeah, it hurts like hell."

If they knew, they would hate me, through me out, hurt me. If they knew they would be hurt, by them. 

I sit on my bed, crying silently into my knees, knowing no one will come and check on me, and then he comes, the key in my lock, the oil in my machine, the missing gear, and I'm telling him, telling Mumbo, and he's hugging me, and i him, and my head is fighting, wanting to keep him safe, but waning comfort only he can give. 

"Dreams fight with machines inside my head like adversities, 

Come wrestle me free 

Clean from the war,

Your heart fits like a key 

Into the lock on my wall,

I turn it over,

I turn it over,

But I can't escape, 

I turn it over,

I turn it over,

I loved, and i loved, and i lost you,

I loved, and i loved, and i lost you,

And it hurts like hell."

And then they are here, and they do it again, i am no longer myself, now a killing machine, only able to watch as my body disobeys, under their control, making me watch, unable to help once again, and then I'm alone again, in charge again, my world gone, again.

And with nothing left, i make nothing of me, my body falling, falling, flat on the ground. My last thought; 'peace, finally.'

607 words.