Where You Belong

35

Negative.

She had blinked several times, re-read the directions for both to confirm, and collapsed onto the floor, breathing hard. And she had no idea how long she had been sitting there.

Very gradually, feelings began to seep into the detached sort of numbness she had been wallowing in. Relied had been the first emotion she had been able to justly identify. She and Derek were planning a life together. And while she knew he would never leave her for something like this, they weren't ready for a child. Meredith wasn't ready for a child. She was still an intern. She and Derek had been together less than nine months. She hadn't met his family. They were living in her mother's old house with two other roommates. They weren't ready for this; weren't prepared.

One day, they would move out together. And they would get married. And they would maybe...likely have children. Derek wanted kids. He came from a big family. He would be a wonderful father.

He would be shocked, but happy to hear the news if she had been pregnant. He would welcome the news, the new addition to their life, their family. But Meredith wouldn't have known what to do. She didn't come from a large family. She didn't know how to be a mother. She didn't know how to act around kids. And while she knew she would never be able to get rid of a baby that was theirs, she knew she would have freaked out, long and hard.

Nine months together was not long enough to start preparing to be parents.

But underneath all that relief, Meredith was surprised to discover, deep in the pit of her stomach, a sense of disappointment. Derek would have been excited. He would have made an excellent father. And while people may have talked, she knew they were headed down the marriage and commitment road anyway. It wouldn't have been a...completely horrible situation.

She could imagine the smile on his face when she would have told him; warm and lowing and excited. And the pride he would exhibit with his family. Meredith would have been terrified to announce her pregnancy to his mother and stepfather and sisters and brothers-in-law and nieces and nephews the first time she met them, but she knew he would have been happy. All four of his sisters had kids, and she knew he felt left out.

He would have started buying cutesy baby things that Meredith couldn't even name; clothes and toys and mobiles and diaper genies...whatever the hell those were. And he would have found them an apartment or a house near the hospital, with two rooms. And he would have talked excitedly with her about nursery colours, and border designs. And she would have laughed at him, the world-class neurosurgeon, as he struggled to follow the simple directions to put together the crib. And he would have made faces at all the food combinations she demanded to eat. And he would have gone out at all hours of the night when she had a craving. And he would have held back her hair in the morning when she threw up. And he would have been crazy and irrational and against listening to reasoning the day she would have gone into labour. But he would have made the hours go by quickly, sticking to her side as the contractions rolled in, one by one.

And when the baby finally arrived, it would have looked like him. She smiled at the thought of a tiny Derek clone, complete with curly brown hair.

But she wasn't pregnant. There wasn't going to be a tiny Derek clone coming to join their family within the next nine months.

The stomach pain and the nausea and the possible fever had to be caused by something else. Maybe the stress of the last few weeks, coupled with the long shifts, was catching up to her. Maybe it was anxiety about getting on a plane the following evening, and flying more than two thousand miles to meet Derek's family. Maybe it was something she ate. She could have a touch of food poisoning. Hell, she could have the flu.

She could come up with a dozen explanations to explain the symptoms if she had to.

But she could only come up with one explanation to explain her lingering disappointment over not being pregnant.