Read to me ~ Xingyun

31

Tw// Eating disorder, mention of bodyshaming

Xingqiu POV:

I woke up in Yun Yuns bed, confused on what had happened,

Chongyun seemed sad and Shenhe was hugging him,

I sat up to try and see what was going on but as soon as I did I was tackled back down by Chongyun hugging me,

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to stress you out that much! I didn't mean to yell!! I'm sorry sorry!!" He cried, I just hugged back as I remembered what had happened,

"It's ok Yun, Now can you please let me sit up?" I laughed a little, I was a lot less stressed now that we were home,

Shenhe stood up, smiling at us,

"I'll go make dinner." She spoke softly,

As she left I thought about what those people had said,

'you haven't got any muscle on you! I mean look at you it's just flubber'

Was I really flubber? I mean I'm pretty skinny even I can see that but.. was I not skinny enough? Chongyun was all buff and strong.. I couldn't get muscle but there was something I could do.

Get rid of this so called 'flubber'

I used to do this all the time when my father told me all the time I spend sitting still would make me fat, back when I wanted to impress him.

How hard could it be.

Dinner was ready soon enough and I went and sat at the table, Shenhe placed a bowl of cold soba in front of me, we hadn't had lunch because of all the comottion so we were using the food we bought at lunch time to make dinner,

I did my old routine.

"Can I get down please.. I'm not really hungry sorry..."

Except it didn't work as well when the people around you actually cared did it.

"Are you sure? You haven't eaten today.. can you at least eat a little bit?" Shenhe responded,

No. I couldn't. I needed this.

"I'm really sorry I just feel sick... can I just go to bed?" I pleaded, poking the food with my chopsticks,

"Alright, but make sure you eat something tomorrow ok?" She agreed, letting me leave the table,

I went up to bed and lay down, I did it. Now I just do that for the rest of the week and it'll be fine. I can eat again after that.

Just one week.

Just one...

Well that's where it all starts isn't it.

Chongyun soon came up and joined me in bed, climbing in behind me,

I turned to face him and he cupped my face in his hands,

"Are you ok? Why didn't you eat anything? Is it because of those-"

"No." I interrupted, I couldn't let him know my plan, he would stop me.

"Ok... Well if you need to.. talk.. I'm here for you.." he sighed, kissing my forehead,

I smiled a little, wrapping my arms around his.. perfect body... why did he get a perfect body and I didn't...?

Was that even a valid question?

He used to be an exorsist of course he's strong, he worked hard for his body and what did I do for mine?

Nothing.

I mean that's not entirely true.. when I was 15 I remember I went through about 2 months of hard-core training because I wanted to be strong, however... it didnt work so I gave up.

"Yun..." I whispered,

He hummed in response, letting me know he was listening,

"How did you... how did you do this?" I asked, placing my hand on his perfect abs,

"H-huh?!" He gasped before blushing,

"I just wanna know how..." I muttered, I only then realised that maybe it wasn't the most casual question,

"Well- uh- sorry I don't really- I mean I just trained a lot." He stuttered,

"Well yeah but how?"

"It's not easy trust me, I've been training since I was 4 to be an exorcist, but I guess it doesn't really matter now.."

I frowned a little,

"Don't worry about it yun, I was just curious." I smiled, trying to play it off,

"Ok.." he seemed suspicious of me.

"Xingqiu... you need... you need to eat ok. Don't stop because of some stupid kids." He continued,

"I'm not... I'm not stopping... just... cutting down a little..." I whispered, there was no point lying, he could read me like an open book when it came to matter such as this.

"You can't."

"What do you mean?"

"You can't cut down Xingqiu."

"Why? What's so bad about cutting down on how much I eat?!" I asked, starting to get a little mad, why could he control what I ate?

"The fact that you hardly eat anything already!! That's what's so bad! If you cut down you'll be eating nothing!!" He argued back,

"I don't care!! It's my body so it's my business!!!"

"You may not care but i do! You think i want to watch my boyfriend starve himself because some stupid kids told him he had flubber?"

I went looked away from him, I didn't know what to say. He was right but... I needed to do this.

"Xingqiu please. Just don't do this it won't help." He begged, moving my face so I had to look at him, how could I look away? His eyes were so mesmerising... even now...

"I'm sorry Yun... I need to.."

"No you don't!"

"I think... its not... its not because of the kids."

"Why is it then?" He asked softly, this felt familiar, like when we first met, on that bridge in the rain... I comforted him... he comforted me... and now here we are... all in the space of only a few months... how does this happen? Maybe I am lucky..

"Well... I think... I used to.. not eat. I used to do it because my father told me to but it became a habit, a hard habit to break. And I think... I think I was just looking for any excuse to fall back into it again..." I explained, burying my head into yuns chest, he placed a hand on the back of my head,

"Let me help you... I can't protect you from yourself but... I can help you."

"How?"

"We can eat together, just the two of us, like we did at school when we first met, and we can take as long as you need, I can even cover my eyes again if you want me to, I will do anything just please don't stop eating, you were doing so well." He sounded desperate, like he was begging me to agree, like he was trying to stop it before it started.. but it had already started.

I wanted to let him help me. He saved me the first time but... I keep relying on him to save me.. is that Ok? Am I allowed to have a saviour? But he isn't my saviour... he's my boyfriend... can he be both..? I don't know but... I wanted him to help me. I needed him to.

"Xingqiu?" He whispered, pulling me out of my thoughts,

"Yeah that... that could work.." I smiled a little as i thought of when we first met, how he did this very same thing for me... hes always been so kind,

"Thank you." I finished, nuzzling into his chest even more,

"Anything for you my love." He responded, that made my heart flutter, although it wasn't all that rare for him to speak to me that way it always put butterflies in my stomach, like some stupid teen romance movie,

"I love you Chongyun." I sighed as I closed my eyes,

"I love you to, so so much."