Love At First Touch || Jayson Tatum ||

20

Jayson POV
I'm not gone lie Blue wanting to break up during her much needed space was completely understandable. I made it very clear that she was coming back to me and I kinda used it as fuel and now me and my boys are going to the finals. I should be happy right? I was but I'd want my lady and my son with me. " so how you feeling?" Grant ask me after I let him in and I sigh. " we won man" I say smiling. " boy you know I'm not talking about that" he says and I sighed heavier. " I mean I haven't really talked to her since the breakup, I know she's hurting and she's not in the right mindset, she's not happy, when we broke up she told me that she wasn't happy with herself and she was terrified that she was going to infect me and end up not making me happy, she can have all the time that she wants because I know at the end of the day I'm going back to her and she's coming back to me, you got these ignorant folks celebrating our break up and it's sick, I see why she needs a break" I rant and Grant nods, those two have gotten super close and really every one especially the mixers are being affected by her absent. She's been hiding out at this hotel, she's goes only to rehearsals and that's it, she's been shutting the girls out and I feel helpless in all of this because I just want to help and be there for her.

" so you talked to her two weeks ago?" He asked and I shake my head no. " no it's three weeks today but she liked my post on Instagram her way of saying congratulations I hope she's okay, you know like I just want to know what's going like how can I help?" I vent to him using my hands as I talk. " right, we'll the girls have obviously been keeping contact with her and whatnot they start practice up in a month for tour" he says and I nodded. " you should try calling her, check on her you know she loves you she'll pick up" Grant says and I go in the bedroom to get my phone.

I dialed her up quickly and it rang three times before being picked up. " Hello Jayson this is Blue's dad" I love her parents man they're so down to earth and I see exactly where she got her big heart from. " hey is Blue around?" I asked hoping she was just in the bathroom. " she and her mother actually both stepped out to their appointments I can take a message for you" he says and I thought about it. " can you tell her that I see her, I hear her and I know she's feel and see your pain and that I'll be here, however long it takes" I say and there was silence. " of course I'll also have her call you whenever she's ready to open that page in this magnificent book of y'all's" he says and I hang up the phone after thanking him. This was killing me more than I let on but I understand that she's hurting and that the fans ruined it and no matter how much I tell her they don't matter they took it too far and now she's destroyed. She needed as much time as she was about to take to heal, in the end she was about to come back better than ever and we will do some some healing as a couple when she does and thrive like never before. Each day I spend without her not knowing what's going on and wether she's getting better, is agony. My son is here to take a lot of that pain away  and of course my boys and my family as well. I go back out to grant as we switch the topic to him and Perrie as they were still not official but it was starting to become clear they both had feelings for each other a month and a half after her break up with Kyrie who was now with singer Kehlani.

Blue POV
" are you feeling better today?" She asked warmly as she wrote some things down. " I do actually " I sigh. " I want to know why what the haters say about your relationship with your ex boyfriend is so important to you" she asks. " I guess it bothers me why they care so much, why they thought so strongly about why I was with him and what that meant for his son it made me feel like I wasn't enough and it took from my joy and soul "  I say softly. " why were you with Jayson? And what did it mean for his son?" I smile at the thought of Jayson, I tried to quit him and give him better but truth is I don't want to, 24/7 I'm thinking about him and Deuce and I missed them both so much but I wanted to make myself better before I gave myself to them and tried to give my all.

" I was with Jayson because though he was younger than my exes he was such a man, he nourished my heart, body and soul, every part of me craved him especially my spirit, I still to this day don't see what he saw in me. What it meant for Deuce was probably so much more, I love that boy to death and I love the way he loved me especially when I was blind. " I flips curls out my face. " here's my diagnosis, you let the media make you second guess things about you and your relationship so much to a point it affected your mental health. I want you to go home tonight and make two separate list, one is about yourself and one is about your relationship with Jayson. If the good outweighs the bad I want you to text him, and if he's anything like the man you've described since you broke up with him, he's been waiting on that text, if the bad outweighs the good we work harder to attack the issues head on, you have such a beautiful soul Blue you deserve so much more than what will those haters give you, your mental is getting to a place where you said you want it all the time." I smile at the thought. I ducked away for almost a month.

I tried to change, when I'm not in therapy I closed my mouth more, I tried to be softer, sweeter, more caring, more thoughtful. I was healing, I tried to be prettier, more in the image they said they wanted of me. I tried to be less awake, the days rolled by quicker and it didn't hurt as much that me and Jayson were through. I am fasting for sixty days, I'm holding up quite well surprisingly. I began to wear white more to appeal more to my innocence in all of this. I abstained from mirrors, shying away from images I may not have liked if seen. My list about myself and about jayson grew. I had also obviously abstained from sex, for who would please my body as well as they do my mind? Only Jayson could, he truly knew me better than I do.

Each day I spend without him is agony, my parents are here to relieve a lot of that pain, the girls, our dancers who are like second family and our Friends help take the pain away, though I did most of the growing on my own. I was slowly starting to speak less and less until I say not another word. This time I spent in healing my hair is not going past my butt, my parents hate it but I sleep on a Mat I had purchased instead of the bed the hotel provided. It felt as if I had swallowed a sword and by now I'm sure I had levitated. My thoughts and mind had went to the basement of hell and shook hands with the devil, though I am no longer there mentally nor physically there was a time I had wanted to take my own life. I believe that was within the first week I had retreated to my lovely abyss the same day I ended things with Jayson.

I even confessed my sins and got baptized in a river. I wanted to be born again and thought my body was I felt my mind wasn't quite there yet. I got on my knees and said amen and said I mean. I whipped my own back and asked for dominion at the lords feet. I threw myself into a volcano of self hate and came out in top I drank the blood of those who threw hate having caught every word of their own insecurities and made them my own. As I looked at my list it was clear I was now in my own head and realized that I sat alone and begged and bent at the waist for god. I crossed myself and thought I saw the devil. I grew thickened skin on my feet.

I bathed in bleached and plugged my menses from the holy book, but still inside coiled deep was the need to know, Am I worth all of this love everyone keeps pouring on me? do I love me enough for the both of us? , will I still be able to go back to Jayson? As I finished both my lists I realized the answer to all three questions were yes. The bad didn't dare outweighed the bad as all the reasons to love myself were clear. Just as clear for my love for Jayson and I smiled. I feel I needed just a little more time and I see a note my dad wrote. ' I want you to know, that I see you, I hear you. I feel and see your pain and I'll be here for as long as it take, love Jayson' the note read. It was my dads hand writing. I checked my phone and saw that Jayson called and the call lasted for two minutes and I hit my lip. He wouldn't hurt me, I wouldn't hurt him. I think a couple more days or so and I'll be in the state of mind I want to be in like all the time.