Turning Pages- Carina DeLuca

We Can Only Keep Breathing

4 weeks later.....

Is it even possible that things could‌ ‌get‌ ‌worse? She wasn't even sure anymore. ‌Nevertheless, as she sat with tears running‌ ‌down‌ ‌her‌ ‌face,‌ ‌she‌ ‌felt‌ ‌defeated. Maya was still asleep which gave Carina some alone time without her wife interfering. At the moment, she couldn't stand her hovering around. Though she understood that Maya intended well, she felt so lost in her own mind. Everything seemed to be falling apart. Little by little. As she stood up, she looked in the mirror. Though she knew that Maya would see right through her, she had to make it appear as if she hadn't been crying. 

It had been a few weeks since the bar incident and Carina would admit that at first, it bothered her. How could it not? Sleepless nights followed that involved replaying the incident in her mind like a bad movie. ‌It‌ ‌was‌ ‌always‌ ‌on‌ ‌her‌ ‌mind, but‌ ‌now‌ ‌she‌ ‌had‌ ‌bigger‌ ‌things‌ ‌to‌ ‌worry‌ ‌about. Right now, her mind was filled with a million thoughts that she couldn't control. It was impossible. She felt like crying again or throwing up, but she wasn't sure. After leaving the bathroom, she grabbed a few clothes and headed back into the bathroom to change. By the time she was done, Maya was getting up. 

“Good morning, babe.” Maya greeted, getting out of bed. While opening a drawer, Carina hurriedly flipped through items, not responding. “Hey, are you all right?” She asked. For a moment, Carina turned around and Maya could see that she had been crying. 

“I'm not sure where I put my name badge.” Carina muttered while searching her nightstand. As she closed the drawer, she looked under the bed in case it had fallen off the nightstand.

“Car, it's in your pants pocket from yesterday.” Maya whispered. “Are you sure you’re okay?” She asked again. 

“Yes, I'm sure, Maya.” Maya grabbed her arm gently as she walked toward the laundry basket, which made her turn around. 

“No, you aren't. What's going on, Carina? In the past few days, you’ve been…” her voice trailed off. “A lot is wrong and I don't know whether it has to do with what happened at the bar still, but something is definitely wrong. The last three days, you’ve barely spoken to me. Everytime I try to talk to you, you aren't there. You’re physically there, but mentally, you’re not. I don't know what's going on, but I wish you would tell me so I can help you.” 

“Maya, you can't help me.” Carina whispered. ‌Despite knowing it would be pointless, she wanted Maya to drop the subject. 

“Why not? ‌Maya‌ asked softly. “I can try, if you tell me.” Carina shook her head, tears forming in her eyes once again. 

“You can't help me with this, Maya. You just can't.” Then she walked away as Maya watched. What did she mean by that? Maya wondered to herself

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Carina‌ ‌started working again a couple days ago after she and Miranda decided that she would work half days initially and then gradually go‌ ‌back‌ ‌to‌ ‌full‌ ‌time. ‌Making the decision to return to work hadn’t been an easy one. After‌ ‌the‌ ‌last disaster, she‌ ‌felt‌ ‌she‌ ‌had‌ ‌every‌ ‌right‌ ‌not‌ ‌to‌ ‌go‌ ‌back. ‌Yet she also knew that if she never went back, it would mean Ray had won, and she wouldn’t ‌let ‌‌that‌ ‌happen. She couldn’t. ‌She already felt like he had won in other ways. Her morning after Maya left was spent doing laundry and cleaning the apartment before she headed back to bed for a couple hours before heading to‌ ‌work. ‌

She‌ ‌didn’t feel ready when she walked into the hospital after lunch,‌ ‌but‌ ‌she‌ ‌had‌ ‌to‌ ‌be. Her own problems needed to be set aside for the sake of her patients. As she stared at her locker in the attendings lounge, she realized that it wasn't easy. She felt completely alone. Despite her amazing wife and her friends' support, she felt alone in her situation. She felt horrible for shutting her wife out but it felt impossible to talk to her about what was wrong when she herself couldn't get a grip on it. She closed her locker with another round of tears streaming down her cheeks. She began hitting her locker repeatedly, as hard as she could, without thinking, as she struggled to catch her breath. She slid down slowly, turning around so her back was against the lockers as she put her head into her hands. Breaking down was not an option.‌ Not now. Pulling herself together, she wiped her face before standing up. She didn't have time to break down. She needed to focus now.