Miss Toulouse Home for Unwanted Girls

Chapter 25

Phoenix to control the fire within, you must become at peace with the fire....

Anger for me is like a warmth that's pitted deep within my soul, that grows stronger and stronger until I'm consumed by the fire and I have no control over it or myself.

It's hard for me to find the words to express how I feel at that moment.

Miss Toulouse patiently sits as I stutter and mumble my way through justifying my infliction.

She has taken me away from the other ladies, we sit on a bench in the garden, right at the back, where she grows all our vegetables and herbs. The sunbeams down in this secluded little sun trap, it washes over your skin and rejuvenates your tired bones.

But even here, in this little piece of heaven and tranquillity, I can't find the words, so I remember what my beloved grandmother would say to me when I was overwhelmed "Breath Phoenix, let's start at the beginning".

"I can't tell you when I first felt the burning fire inside of me because I believe it's always been there and will always be. It's a constant burning flickering ember deep in my soul, when I get emotionally overwhelmed and I can't calm down, it's like someone has poured petrol over that little flickering ember and it grows so quickly into an uncontrollable fire that's burns through me until ... I'am the fire".

Miss Toulouse gently placed her hand upon mine, a simple gesture to show she understands and to go on.

"When the fire is in full force, I can't stop it because I don't want to stop it, it's like a drug and I'm addicted because it numbs me and burns away all the pain".

"Are you addicted to the power?" She softly asks me.

My head hangs low, I'm no longer able to make eye contact with her for fear of rejection when I answer honestly "Yes... at that moment the power has made me untouchable, I'm safe".

An awkward silence falls between us as my words linger in the air. I watch the birds enviously as they flutter in the trees without a care in the world, how to wish I was able to fly away from who I am and what I've done in the past.

"Life can be cruel, we have dealt Phoenix a challenging hand from birth to death, some more than others. But we have the choice of how we deal with that hand, every woman that's walked through that door has been ground down by life in some way or another, what we do here is raise them, we help them become strong, to learn who they truly are and what they can be - we do that by walking away and releasing their pain, so it no longer has a hold on them".

"I don't understand" I murmur.

"We are all broken in different ways, it doesn't make us less, it makes us who we are .... Survivors. Your pain unlike everyone else's isn't hidden deep beneath the surface, it burns strong for the world to see, you need to learn to harness your pain, and regain control over it so it doesn't control you".

I roll my eyes not wishing to seem disrespectful but struggling to believe what she is saying is that easy.

She leans in "let me show you".

Shakily she rises from the seat and between both her tiny hands brings down her walking stick hard into the earth three times.

The air becomes thick as darkness falls in front of us as if the Sun has been eclipsed. The beautiful lush green garden that was so full of life, is now slowly transforming into a dark, eerie dense wooded area. I'm no longer able to see the house or the ladies, it's as if we've been transported far away into a secluded woods in the heart of the night. It's silent because no life resides here, it's only us.