Swallow

Chapter 1.72:

I tugged at my hair to shake myself awake and tried to rub the skin off my numb face. The first thought that entered my head was that I must have heard her wrong. My mind liked to roam a bit sometimes and maybe I was imagining it.

Riley didn't just try to tell me that she was—no, it wasn't real.

Riley's lip was quivering while she waited for me to say something.

There was no way she was seriously considering this as a possibility. The two of us hadn't been together in weeks and I always made sure to cover my dick.

Except when I didn't—but Riley and I took care of that.

She took that pill we bought at the pharmacy. I saw her take it.

No one has sex once without a condom and gets pregnant that easily.

It might have been more like twice, but that wasn't the point. Shit like this just didn't happen in real life.

It must be a sick joke.

"Don't fuck with me like this, Riley." I reprimanded her. If this was some sort of attempt at humor at my expense, it wasn't even close to funny.

"I'm not joking. I don't know anything for sure except I haven't had my period. It could be a coincidence that I am throwing up." She looked me dead in the eye as she tried to talk herself out of it. She was standing in front of me, shaking and crying without any humor on her face.

She was serious. This wasn't a game.

Riley thought she could be pregnant.

"What do we do?" I started hyperventilating as my head went in and out of focus. I couldn't think or focus my concentration in any direction. My vision doubled and I felt like the whole room was swaying around me.

My anger and fear began mixing together until the only thing I could see was the outline of her body. I had to hit something and break it. It was the only way to let it out. The whole fucking room was about to be torn apart.

"I think I need to go get a test before we jump to any conclusions. Maybe it is stress-related? I've had a lot of stress lately." Riley reached out and touched the back of my hand.

I pulled back from her. Riley was too close to me right now.

For once, I didn't want her here with me.

"Ezra. Will you please say something?" She pleaded and stepped towards me again.

Riley was standing right in the middle of my path of destruction, blocking my way. I was so fucking furious with her. It didn't matter who she was right now or what she meant to me. I was going to hurt her if she didn't move. I couldn't contain it any longer. She had to get out of here before something terrible happened to her.

"You should go," I growled and clenched my fists.

"Really?" She came back at me combatively.

This was not the time for her to fight me. My arms were shaking violently as I fought to keep them from going near her.

"Go home, Riley." I seethed down at her.

"Don't you do this to me! Not now, Ezra. Not like this." She smashed her fist into my chest with every word she spoke.

Her tiny fists were drumming against me as she pushed and swung at me angrily. I wasn't prepared for her to be the one to attack first and couldn't block her in time before she landed a few well-placed blows.

I grabbed her wrists and pinched them as hard as I could in my hands. Riley let up and winced in pain. I forced her arms down and held them tightly against her sides. She continued to fight me even though she didn't stand a chance. Riley was determined to keep going even as I squeezed tighter.

I stepped forward to put her on the ground to end the battle.

At the last moment, right when I was about to pick her up, I caught a glimpse of myself in her shining eyes. My own reflection was staring back at me. It was deranged and full of ugly hate.

I wasn't me anymore.

Staring back at me was the image of my worthless fucking father.

Loving Riley had made me weak enough to let him break free. Being with her had made me forget who I really was. I was him. I was an idiot for thinking I could ever be anything more.

I only had one option to keep him under control.

I had to get upstairs to my pills to stop him.

"Get out before I throw you out," I warned Riley in a low, deep voice and pushed her back from me.

As I was walking away, there was a loud whooshing sound by my ear. The crash of something hitting the wall echoed less than an inch from my head. I didn't look back to see what she launched at me.

If I turned back now, whatever shattered wasn't going to be the only thing broken.

I stormed off up the stairs and went inside my room. I slammed the door shut and locked it behind me in case she was stupid enough to come after me.

I went over to the nightstand and opened the top drawer like it would provide me with some comfort. The drawer came entirely off the track and all the contents were dumped all over the floor. Condoms and my guitar pick collection surrounded my feet, adding to my growing wrath. I threw the drawer across the room and it hit the wall with a loud thud. The pressed board backside splintered when it collided with the plaster and fell to the ground in pieces.

I pulled out the bottom drawer and flung it in the same spot. The corner hit the wall and dented in the spot, leaving a medium-sized hole.

My heart was racing and I was disoriented. I came up here for something and didn't remember what it was I wanted. I searched my room for anything else I could break when my eyes landed on the closet. I walked over, ripped the door open, and pulled it off the sliding hinge. In front of me, on a shelf, were the orange bottles of pills I had stashed.

That was why I was here—my pills.

I grabbed the bottle of Oxy first and opened it. The pills were so much smaller than I remembered. I shook a few out into my palm and laid them on the dresser.

I had stayed out of my stash for almost six months. I was getting better until I met her. This was her fucking fault. Riley had made me insane. It had only been a few weeks and I was already falling apart.

What if Riley was pregnant? How could I ever take care of someone else when I couldn't even take care of myself? What would that mean for the rest of my life?

What would it mean for hers?

I had no control over myself most of the time. Three years from now, I would wake up strung out of my head. I would beat the shit out of Riley multiple times a day in front of the kid just like my dad did. When it got old enough to stand up for her, I would turn on it too.

I shook away my dark thoughts and tried to concentrate on what we needed to do. None of the hellish images in my head could happen if there was no baby.

There might not even be one.

Riley did admit to me that she wasn't even sure.

Before I jumped to any more conclusions, I had to take her to get a test. One missed period didn't mean she was actually pregnant. It could be a false alarm.

Even if the test did come back positive, we still had time to fix it. There was a way out of this as long as we moved quickly.

"Riley!" I hollered down to her as I ran back down the stairs.

I paused at the bottom when I saw the front door was wide open.

Riley was gone.