teenager romance

part 1 the beginning

alexs pov
6:00 am
the alarms buzzing. its 6:00 am. i cant believe ive stayed up all night crying over a fucker. i need to get out of bed and get dressed for school but i really dont want.
im just existing at this point. always trying my best to hide the truth and smile but man no everything is at its worst i got to admit it and stop convincing myself iam okay
im not okay and it hurts im not okay with this
ok. fine. i'll get out of bed.
im so sick of myself. im always avoiding looking in the mirror and whenever i do look at it i just doubt myself. like dude is that who i actually am? is that how people see me?
im walking out of the bathroom after washing my face and teeth.
im still not okay with this, please make it stop its killing me
im okay. i have to convince myself im okay
remember alex, fake it till you make it.
you are okay

7:15am
i finished questioning my whole existence. im walking toward school and dear inner self. your are not stopping me. not today.
i cant take this anymore im begging you to stop
no. not today. i said youre not stopping me
i am you, alex iam not ur enemy please just let me live in peace
youll be okay, shut up.
those voices are getting louder and louder. i need to block them out i cant i can-
"good morning alex!" i hear my best friend, Sandra. Sandra and i recently became friends, i havent known her for a long while but she feels like home. shes my comfort person.
"_morning Sandra, how are you feeling?
_im feeling great, Alex, how about you?" she replied with a smile on her beautiful face.
i nod. without a smile. Sandra and i, sadly, are in different classes, and it actually sucks since shes one of the people who cares about me the most and she actually shows it and since i hate most of my classmates haha. you cant blame me tho, most of them are either racist or homophobic. god i hate those motherfuckers.
i walk Sandra to her class and hug her a goodbye
she hugs me back
"_take care of yourself, Alex, i love you
_i love you too, Sandra
_see ya love
_see ya"
i wave at her, she waves back. i smile, she smiles back
thank you for your existence Sandra

7:20

I wonder what kind of sound it would make if I were to smash this glass against the side of his head.
god he is so fucking annoying i hate men so much.
"_just chill, you dont have to get so aggressive
_leave me alone for fucks sake i dont want you near me
_fine alex, fine"
i roll my eyes and look away from him. But hes always there staring at me.
Adam. The class clown. i hate him, a lot and i literally dont know why.
hes always smiling and laughing and im so jealous of how he has all his shits together while im all over the place.
im so jealous of you, Adam
i wanna be you, i wanna be Adam
i take a deep breath and try to relax. oh fuck. oh no here she comes again.
why are you trying to avoid me, im here for you alex i am you
no no no no
you cant ignore me forever, alex sooner or later you will have to face me
no no no no no
please. stop. please. stop. you. are. killing. me.
please
stop
someone
make
it
stop
i cant do it .i cant breath someone come and help me before its too late
help me.
help me.
help me.
get me out of here.
get her out of me.
get her out.
i cant.
i can't breathe.
shes here, shes always here, shes always holding me back i cant do this i-
fuck.
fuck.
fuck.
fuck.
im shaking, no, no, no, not again. im shaking so hard. my hand is shaking.
you cant do this alex, give up already, you died a long while ago, just close your eyes and rest in peace.
i get up. im still shaking. im still scared, but i get up, i'll fight you, you cant stop me from reaching happiness.
i am you alex, i am you
oh no you are not.
i ask for permission to go down the stares and wash my face, the teacher allows me to.
i walk down the stairs.
iam living and you cant stop me.
iam not giving up.
i wash my face and go back to my class
you are not stopping me from living, you are not me you are just some random voice is my head.
you.
are.
not.
me.