STILL | NH |

FORTY SIX

Niall

April.

How the fuck did I even make it to the month of April?

Everything since St. Patrick's Day has been a blur, whether that's from just ignoring everything around me or the fact that I've spent most of the days swimming in some kind of alcohol, I'm not sure.

I feel like ever since I received that text message from Rigby every single day since then it has been a combination of wake up, force myself out of bed, work until my brain turns to spaghetti, and then drink when I get home, and then fall asleep in my bed alone.

When she left and didn't reach out, my brain let me hold onto her in hopes that she would let me apologize — that she would come back to me.

However, I've never been more wrong.

Apparently I called her on her birthday, leaving some kind of message that I don't even remember, which is what must have caused her to send the message saying we probably just needed to stay away from each other, even going as far as to with me love and luck in my life.

Luck?

What a fucking joke.

Considering the only time that it felt like luck had ever played a part in my life was the night she walked into The Bunk Off soaking wet and let me walk her home.

I didn't want luck if it didn't involve Rigby, I didn't want anything that wasn't Rigby.

One thing that I absolutely hated was that not only was I completely heartbroken but I had been an insufferable asshole to everyone ever since.

No matter what I did, I managed to piss off everyone around me. Harry and I had even had a couple fights over the last couple of months, something we hadn't done since Carragh and I were together. We never even fought after she left me. If anything, after she left me Harry put me back together.

Rigby and him still talked, which absolutely fucking drives me mad. Just a few days ago her name popped up on his phone while we were discussing some things about an upcoming trip we were planning on taking for a business conference. When I asked why they were talking he simply stated that they were friends — just because we were apart didn't mean he had to cut her out of his life.

That fight led me to where I'm at right now, running The Bunk Off by myself for a few days while Harry is on the trip alone because I didn't want to be stuck in a room with him.

Which is my own problem that I know my mind needs to sort out. I should be grateful that Harry is still friends with Rigby, that they can still have some kind of connection even without me as a common denominator.

But above all else, I'm a selfish man.

Wanting the time she doesn't want to willingly give out to me anymore.

It's been weeks and weeks of feeling like I've been caught in a riptide of my own emotions, something I feel like normally I would be desperate to claw my way out of but this time I want to stay there, I want to feel the pain and feel the bruises that have been left behind from the love that we lost because then it means that it was real — that it actually meant something.

People keep telling me that I need to get my mind off of it, to let it go, but how do you just let that go? Even though I've been awful to Harry he hasn't once said that to me, don't think he ever would if I'm being honest.

I heard him talking to Margo the other night when he left the office door open and I was on my way up to grab some invoices.

"He's just not the same. With Carragh of course he was heartbroken, I mean, for fucks sake they were engaged to each other. With Rigby though, that's his twin flame. I don't think this is just something he's going to move past, Mar. I think this is gonna ruin him for a long time and I don't even know how to help him. Think most of it is because he knows that they were it for each other and it fell apart before he could really talk about how he felt — before they could really be something."