STILL | NH |

FORTY FIVE

Rigby

Two weeks.

Two weeks since I walked away from Niall.

Two weeks since I've slept in his bed.

Two weeks since I've slept longer than three hours at a time.

Two weeks since I've felt Niall's rough fingertips against my soft skin.

When I left his place I cried all the way to June's, feeling like surely my tears were going to fill my entire car and that I was going to drown in them.

I wanted to fix what happened, I felt so fucking bad about not remembering that Niall said his parents were coming. The morning in my kitchen it felt like all I could see was the way his blue eyes were so warm and happy — the way the light reflected against the chain around his neck. I was just so full of adoration for him and who he was.

Showing up at June's she immediately pulled me into a hug, wrapping her arms around me and telling me that it was okay — that I would be okay.

Curled into her on the couch, I went through every single detail of our fight.

The shirt. His parents. Carragh.

In my mind I knew that Niall would never be the kind of guy that would go off and do something like that behind my back — he wasn't Mark.

Things came out of my mouth that I would never be able to take back and both of us were aiming for the jugular with what we said, severing the relationship we had built together.

Niall called texted, but I couldn't bring myself to respond or pick up the phone to call him back. As a matter of fact, I couldn't bring myself to call or talk to anyone. I'd been working from home to try and make myself feel better, which as you could imagine, wasn't working at all.

June told me a couple days after I had gone back to my house that Niall came to the office, that he asked for me and that she'd never seen someone look so desperate in their life and that when she said I'd been working from home it was like any bit of hope he had disappeared right in front of her eyes.

He's been here to my apartment, but I just can't do it.

Leaving my favorite bouquet of flowers on my doorstep, one that I left on my front step until I couldn't stomach seeing them anymore, finally bringing them inside to throw into the trash.

In all honesty, if Niall hadn't laughed when I told him that I loved him there might be a part of me that would have already ran into his arms by now, running and apologizing — begging for even an ounce of forgiveness from him.

Hearing that was one of the deepest pains I've ever felt. At that moment I don't think I've ever felt so sick to my stomach — so unwanted by anyone more in my entire life. It made my heart crack and knowing the only person who can mend it is the one that delivered the blow was excruciating.

How do you even manage to end a relationship before it really has a chance to get started?

By tearing each other apart limb by limb, insecurity by insecurity.

That's how.

Logging off of the zoom meeting that I had been in for the last hour, I stood up and headed to the kitchen for a bowl of ice cream which had been my steady diet considering it felt like I didn't even care about eating anything, knowing that at least ice cream wouldn't break my heart.

Throwing myself into work was the only thing that seemed to help get my mind off of Niall and his blue eyes that haunted my dreams at night — that is if I could even go to sleep in the first place.