Silent Love, Silent Pain [Levi x OC]

91. Back in your arms

TW: The last part of this chapter might be potentially triggering as there's a talk about consent in sexual activity. If you feel uncomfortable with reading it, you can skip it to the last paragraphs.

I still hope you'll enjoy this chapter!

Sophie was breathing heavily after Levi left. Her head was spinning around and she had to sit down, trying to calm herself down as she was still shocked that she allowed this kiss to happen. She could still feel his lips on her own, how roughly he pressed them while using his tongue so gently. She missed that. She missed being his. When their lips linked, oh, it felt like nothing had changed. Like those last two months didn't exist, erased from this reality, almost as if it was a part of some other and terrible universe that she didn't belong to, because how could she? She already belonged to Levi. It was something uncompromising, something that was consuming her whole being, causing her to focus on their relationship entirely. There was no place for anything else in this lifetime and she didn't mind it actually. Life was rough and miserable, he was the only light in it and yet she treated him so awfully recently.

She hid her face in her palms, ashamed of her actions again. How could she? It was more of a rhetorical question as she knew exactly why she treated him like this. Just to protect him, to save him the disappointment and disgust of being with someone who did crazy bad things. Yes, she had no option, Eren reassured her about it. Alas, she felt really guilty especially since she couldn't talk about it. Each time that she tried it felt like someone was grabbing her throat, tightening their grip around it and cutting her access to air. She felt chained to the wall, unable to break free and god, it was both painful and frustrating, making her nearly cry as soon as she thought about it.

"Are you...alright?" Jean asked, he stood in the door kind of taken aback by her change. Even though it's already been a week since she started regaining her original personality, he still found it awkward to be around her. Something was telling her that he wasn't the only one feeling like this. She understood that. She would be distrusting as well if the places were switched.

"Yeah," she mumbled. "Can you...ask if Eric can talk with me?" She asked. She looked at him with such hope in her eyes that Jean wanted to give her a hug, something he was usually very reluctant to do.

"I would, but...he's travelling again," he informed her. He hated to be the one to break this news to her as he knew from Eren that she felt really down after insulting and attacking everyone around her. He understood that she wanted to apologise to him, but it was impossible at the moment. It probably was much harder to accept it right now as she just had to say goodbye to Eren for god knows how long and Levi with whom, judging by the quiet noises they made, she reconciled.

Her eyes widened for a moment and she slowly nodded, not letting out any sound. She felt broken again. She had those ups and downs recently that were causing her to balance on the verge of madness as it was hard to adapt to. Whenever someone she felt close to was with her, she felt happy and calm. Her whole body was relaxing around those people and her brain could finally take a rest from the constant battle that it had to fight inside. Whenever those people were leaving her, she was going back straight to the pit she barely crawled out of. Pit that represented the darkest places in her mind - memories of these last two months that exploited her so much, she felt it lasted for ages rather than this small amount of time. Her body was becoming too heavy to control the limbs, mind was too tired to force it to fight. All she had strength for was resting and waiting, either for doom or saviour.

"Does she need help?" She heard Hange's voice at the door. She was too caught up in her own misery that she didn't even notice when she joined Jean. She didn't even care to see and hear Jean's response. Oh, this low was pretty bad. No wonder why, it felt like the pain in her mind and body was as strong as the moment of joy, trying to make up for the time she spent feeling happy. Was there anything she could do about it?