Ad Infinitum (Remus Lupin X Reader)

XXIX • Sicut Amici

XXIX • Sicut Amici • Just Friends

"Good morning," I said with a smile as I entered Remus's classroom. "How did you sleep?"

"Fine, thanks," he said, not looking up from his desk.

"I also slept well," I said. "You know, I was reading last night and there was a proverb that reminded me of you. I marked it so I could read it to you today."

"Miss Y/L/N," Remus said, dropping his head into his hands.

"Hm?"

"Please."

"So you're still going to shun me?" I asked, watching him as I unloaded my bag onto the table.

"I'm not shunning you. I'm just trying to make sure you understand what's happening between us."

"Yes, I understand that you're shunning me," I said with a nod.

He sighed. "No, I just want you to treat me normally."

"I am treating you normally," I said.

"Like you would treat any other person, I meant," he said.

"You said you didn't want to be romantically involved, not that I couldn't be friendly," I said. "I'm not trying to be romantic."

"Non-romantics don't mark proverbs that remind them of their non-romantic coworkers," he said.

"I do," I said. "Maybe the problem is that you take everything I do as romantic."

"That may be so but, regardless, can you please tone it down?"

"Sure," I said and leaned back in my seat. "So you don't want to hear the proverb then?"

"Go ahead," he said, glancing up at me momentarily.

"Let me find it," I said and opened my book, scanning the page. "Ah, here it is. Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur."

"And it means?"

"We choose to love, we do not choose to cease loving."

"Miss Y/L/N, that is very romantic. Surely you see that."

"Yes, it is," I said and raised my eyebrows, closing my book. "I hope you don't believe that I'll be able to change how I feel about you."

"Can't you at least pretend?"

"Why would I do that?" I asked and shook my head. "I understand your intentions are pure and I won't hold them against you, but I wish you would try to understand my perspective."

"It just can't be," he said.

"But it was before. We were happy. Why is it any different now?"

"I don't know."

"That's my only point," I said. "I'll leave you alone, but don't think that it's anything other than acquiescence."

He nodded and craned his neck over his work.

"I do have a question though," I said, watching as he stiffened in his seat. "Am I still allowed to call you Remus? Because I know you don't like me to when you're like this."

"Like what?"

"Adamant that we can't be together."

"This time is different," he said. "This isn't just a moment of indecision. This is final."

"Fair enough. So, about the name?"

"You can call me whatever you'd like to," he said.

"Thank you, because I quite like the name Remus," I said. "Another question."

"Do you intend to annoy me back into a relationship?" he asked, raking his hands through his hair.

"No, I just like to talk to you. It's never bothered you before."

"It's harder to shun you when you talk so much."

"So you are shunning me," I said with a triumphant grin.

"I was kidding," he said.

"I know. I don't care how long you make me wait, but I can't handle it being like after the Boggart again. I don't want things to be tense and awkward all the time," I said. "I just want you to be comfortable, and if you can't be while we're together, then I'll just be a friend. But you have to work with me here."

"Okay. That sounds reasonable enough," he said. "I'll end the ostracization."

"And it is much obliged. What are the plans for today?" I asked.

"It's just the seventh years today," he said, "and they have a double class. We're going to go over the Chameleon Ghoul and then they'll have time to work in class on an essay. If you have something else to do, you don't have to stay."

"No, I don't have anything. I'll stay in here and transfer grades," I said and chanced a look up at him. He was staring straight ahead, his elbows on his desk and his hands pressed together as if he were praying, his lips pressed against his fingers. "Unless you don't want me here."

"No, you're fine to stay," he said.

And that was how it went. Remus was decidedly closed off, no longer comfortable to be open with me. He didn't initiate conversations, nor did he carry them out enthusiastically. I pretended that I didn't notice, that it didn't hurt me.

But it did.

I knew he meant well. He was trying to make sure that he didn't hurt me but, in doing so, he was hurting me. He could barely look at me, and there was a part of me that wished that I had pretended I had no idea what he was, played dumb for a little longer.

Remus had told me that he would no longer be anything more than coworkers with me. I hadn't believed him. I thought that he just saying things in the moment like he tended to do, or that he would change his mind as he had the first time he decided that we couldn't be together. But he wasn't even giving himself the opportunity to change his mind.

I could see what he was doing. Distancing himself so that there was no temptation.

His distance did nothing to quell my want for him.

It wasn't something physical as it had been before. I had a deeper desire for him. I missed touching him, kissing him, being touched by him, but even more, I missed talking with him and feeling so deeply understood.

But I also understood him, his thoughts and his motivations. I understood why he was doing what he was, pulling away, and I knew it came from a good place. I knew he was trying to sacrifice something that he desired to make sure that he didn't hurt me. I couldn't resent him for that.

I would have done the same in his position.

Yet, I couldn't do what he did. I wasn't as strong-willed or selfless. I wanted him, whether it was good for me or not.

But all he wanted was to be just friends.