Behind Closed Doors : Opposite Of All ☆Camila Cabello ☆

Chapter 79

  I unlocked the door, and opened it. Lights were on. I closed the door behind before making my way inside. I was met by silence and a fragrance that smelt around. I stepped out of my hills, putting it on the side of a shoe rack. I walked to the kitchen, placing my purse on the table on my way, to see her sitting on a stool with calming music coming from her phone. I walked behind her and give her shoulder a gentle squeeze to let her know I'm already here, in order to not gave her a heart attack. I just received a look from her that I did not dare to return as I made my way to the fridge to get a cold water.

  There was, I couldn't not say uncomfortable or comfortable silence between us 'cuz neither made me feel like it.... maybe somewhere between or I just didn't feel anything at all? I don't know. I could tell she's nervous and stressed out, I was too and the last thing I wanted to hear from her as an introduction was 'Can we talk?', that's hell of a question. I calmed myself first before going back here, after I did what Mandy told me not to, so I wouldn't go fury to her without hearing her side but I couldn't say I didn't feel betrayed from not telling me about that part of their stunt. It has been like a month since it was released and I didn't get why they still had to do it like where for?, there's nothing to promote any more.

  After I finished my glass, I voluntarily sit down on a stool, opposite of her.  I tried not to think anything but thinking about what she'd tell me didn't escape my mind. I stopped looking at her, and just focus on my nail, removing some dead skins and stopped after it stings. And then proceeded to twisting the ring she gave me that's on my pinky finger.

  I looked at her while I chew my inside cheek. Though it's neither comfortable nor uncomfortable silence, I still didn't like whatever silence surrounding us. I gave us a moment to think because surely as hell, this scared us both whether we admit it or not. We both had no idea how to face this because neither of us knew and payed attention to this before. Who knows? I mean we knew this will happen but no one knew how and what would be the outcome. Will you be the sun or the pouring rain? 

  She hesitantly looked at me, and looked away when she saw me already looking at her. I waited for her to speak out first  because I didn't want to be the one to do that. But I figure out neither of us would do it...

  I let out a silent sigh and spoke up, "You know you can tell me everything, right?", I asked. My heart started to feel one thing even though she hadn't say anything yet. 

  "We promised each other we'll be honest no matter how it will break either of us, right?", I told her, more like a comforted her to think that whatever she'd say or wherever this'd go... it's okay, it's fine, we'll both get through this and I'll be okay. But there's no promise behind it, just words of affirmations for other not to worry about me.

  "Mandy texted me...", I started and bit my lip before continuing, "...looking so angry on why didn't your team contact mine about the break up before going out. I had no idea what's she's talking about...", I didn't know why I was telling this but knew only one way where this was going. I felt my vision blurred, I continued to bit my lip hoping it would stop it from falling but it didn't. I blinked which was a wrong move. I dropped my gaze from her to wipe the trace of a tear with the back of my hand.

   It came to me all at once... the stress, and pressure from the world that's new to me, not being able to talk how I think I made a mistake in choosing this path, how it freaks me out now..., her, Camila, barely talk to me, so distant to me..., I, trying to hold onto something I couldn't see, trying to made it work although I knew it will end anyway, hoping that, maybe this one this time, I could save it. And, this, the picture of them kissing.

  I tried not to break down in front of her no matter hard and hurt it to stop. I buried my face in my hand. I bit my lip hard to stop it from quivering. I was fighting against myself because the woman I loved and thought was the one doesn't deserved to see this side of me, not anymore. But my brain, and body was a traitor. It went against me. No matter how confused I was to what to feel, it always ending up with tears. 

  I rubbed my eyes, sniffling, "Can you please talk, say... something.. I don't trust myself talking right now.", I told her putting my hand away from my face, looking at her.

  "I'm sorry.", she said.

  I laughed, "Tell me something I don't know... You'd been telling me that before but still doing the same thing.", I whined. I let myself look and sound mess now, I didn't care anymore. For all I knew, I loved right, yet always end up being left and hurt alone. That doesn't seem fair. They don't get to left when they're not the one who's hurt and broken. 

  "I'm sorry...", she said leaving another meaning to it, that this time she meant it and will never do that again because this would be the last time she'd ever say it to me.

  “Please, tell me it was just a media manipulation... That, you two weren't k-kissing?”, I asked with a bit of plea that it's not real.

  "I'm sorry, I really do. I didn't mean mean to feel that way... I know I shouldn't feel that way... We shouldn't do that, I hav-... had you.", she said confirming that it wasn't a media manipulation. Just like that, she is not mine anymore. 

  No matter how hurt it was for me to say but it's the truth now, "You love him now and it is not me anymore. Who am I to stop you two, to stop you loving him and choose me instead... that would me cruel of me."

  You have no idea how weak and broken it sounded when I said that. I don't want to know since when and how did it happen. It used to be just us. it used to be just me before. Why didn't time agree with us? I felt like time never agreed with me, it was always opposed to how I wanted something. 

  I didn't try to save anything because there's nothing left saving. It's not worth fighting for my love anymore. I lose before I know it. She's not mine before I knew it. I mean what's my fight against Shawn?  I have nothing to win me against him. 

  "Are you happy with him?", 

  "Yes.", she said looking at me. I searched for something in those beautiful brown eyes that would tell me it's just a lie. No matter how a simple word hurt me, I smiled and had accepted my defeat.

  That's the problem with someone's happiness matters, it is so selfless to that someone and so selfish to yourself. It makes someone forget about themselves and focus to other's happiness... you'll just find your own later. 

  She tried to console me but I stopped her, "Thank you for everything.", I said before removing the ring she gave me, putting it in front of her. It felt so cold without it. It's funny how I was twisting and playing it earlier and now it's not on me anymore. 

  "I'm sorry if I did something...". I said not so sure what I was sorry about. 

  "You're forgiven though you're not who's at fault.", she said against what she really wanted to say because she knows how I will beat myself with it after if she didn't say that.

  "Can I hug you?", I asked. She looked at me in surprise but didn't question it. Camila was the one who stood up and made her way to my side to hug me. I turned around so that I could hug her back. The hug felt so right to me but it wouldn't feel right if I force her to feel that way as I am, right?

  I will miss this, her..., her perfume that lingers around. 

  "Just know that it's okay, I'll be okay. I forgive you. Thank you for being honest even it took you awhile...", I said as I tightened my arms around her which she returned. 

  "Thank you for this, for everything, for keeping up with me , for riding with me in this roller coaster life...", as unfinished as my sentence sounded, that was it. That's all I could say. It supposed to have an I love you at the end that would finish it but I didn't dare to say it because I didn't want to hurt myself more than I already was.

  I wiped my face before pulling away but she refused to let me. She muttered sorry's and moment later finally pulled away, "I'm sorry for hurting you.", she said wiping her cheek.

  I smiled looking at her one more time, thinking how much I'd missed that beautiful face, and how many days or years I'll wake up without her by side anymore.

"What's life without pain?"

A/n: Hang on there a lil longer? just two more chapters :( and it's finally done!