𝙏𝙀𝙈𝙋𝙀𝙍 ✓ 𝘑𝘢𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘳 𝘏𝘢𝘭𝘦 • 𝘉𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘖𝘯𝘦 •

4.

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The pain was still excruciating, even after hours and hours with the same burning fire running through my veins like a slow syrup. It was something that could not be explained by words yet understood with just a few sentences. It did no longer feel like I had a body, like my arms did no longer exist. Like my legs had turned into a ball of fire along with all the other parts of my body. Everything was closed into a constant wave of fire washing over my body, my chest was closed until the limit that it felt impossible to breath. It felt like pressure so heavy had been dropped onto my head, almost like a rock that weighed tons and tons had suddenly just appeared above my skull to crush it against the ground. 

Like millions of pieces. That was how I felt in this moment. It oddly enough felt like my heart had shattered into blades sharp enough to cut themselves out from my flesh, out from my chest. It felt like blades, the sharpest knives, had somehow become so small that they were able to travel through my blood. It felt like my body was being cut up from the inside yet still burning like the sun had been present in my every cell. 

I wonder why death felt like this. Why death was associated with something freeing yet felt like nothing freeing at all. The people who had awaited death always looked at it like an old friend, like something you should not be afraid of. Yet death was something agonizing beoyong human understandment. It was tormenting on such a level that it should not be possible for something to be this unbearable, this splitting. 

If I had thought about it enough I would have realised that the spot where the pain had started, in my neck, had turned into something cold, unmoving, peaceful. I should have realised that the pain slowly started to ebb away. Even if it took hours for one spot to be cleared of the fire that had once burned in that spot before. My fingers no longer felt like a pit of snakes trying to bite them off but instead they had returned to their normal state. I did however feel colder than before, but it didn't bother me. The cold did not make me freeze nor did it made me shiver. 

Suddenly my heart seemed to take all the fire away from my body to collect it in one spot. The heart I had thought would stop beating, the heart I had waited for to stop beating, suddenly sprang to life once more and began to thud even angrier in my chest. How can something beat so quickly yet be in so much pain?

The rock from my head had been removed though it seemed like that weight had been shifted to my ribcage and my heart. The heart that had once been burning with the same pain as the rest of my body felt like the sun itself. Like someone had chosen to pour petrol down my throat for it to later end up in my heart to end it with a match on fire. 

But I didn't complain, I knew that it could be worse if it could be better. I had learned not to complain, not even in the most desperate times of need. Because I knew one thing, someone always had it worse than I did. Someone out in the world always hurted more than I did. Someone always wanted death more than I did. To complain about a life that I had been forced into yet still been given food, education and training was something that had always been pointless to me. If not I should be greatful for the things I had learned, for what I had been taught. But I knew I could never be greatful for what they had changed me to, because I would never be the same again. Never be the young and lively girl I once were. Instead I had grown up to be a calculating and coldheaded woman.

The pain stopped in my chest all of a sudden and the fire that had once been present in my entire body had disappeared. I did not know what had happened, maybe I had reached atonement. Maybe I had once and for all finally come to reconciliation. But of course that would be impossible, I could never forgive myself nor who I had become. 

I returned to my mind just as easily as I had shut myself off from it. Now being strangely aware of things I had never been aware of before. My ears were able to hear things I shouldn't be able to hear, things not any human should be able to hear. I smelled scents I had never been able to scent before, things from hundreds of meters away yet it seemed like they were right next to me. I realised that I were laying on a bed, the covers under me no longer itchy and harsh but instead the smoothest cotton. I realised that it was the most comfortable bed I had laid in for years, for almost seven years.