Silent Love, Silent Pain [Levi x OC]

88. Inaccessible

She wished that her family was like this. But Scouts are your family too, her past opposed. She grimaced even more. No, they're not family. They're not my blood, she tried to convince herself. Really? Blood's all that matters to you now?

Ah, she couldn't take it. Her hands went to her hair, ripping it and causing her pain. She sighed with relief as she felt it. Pain was the only relief that she had access to. Killing is the other one, the voice inside her head suggested and it was really hard to not give in.

Fuck, her eyes started flicking from one corner to another as she searched the room for a sharp tool that could be used as a weapon. She couldn't find any. Except from the bed frame and the plate. If she crushed it, she could use pieces to shove them into someone's body or her own. Whatever she'd decide. The choice was hard, though. Whenever she tried to end her life, she was stopped by the Tybur-Leitz bond. It was annoying, really. But maybe...? Maybe the connection was too weak now? Maybe Willy was too far from her? It was worth the shot.

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Hange went back to the common room where the rest of the Scouts were seated, except for Erwin who was now in a meeting with those who came from Paradis to help them. "So?" Levi asked as soon as he saw Hange stepping inside. He was nervous to hear her report. Fuck, he was thinking whether he should stay outside of her room and listen to their conversation, be there just in case. In case of what? He asked himself and he didn't actually know. He couldn't decide whether he was scared for her or scared for those who were visiting her. Maybe both? God, he missed Sophie so much and instead of being with her, he had to debate with himself how far from her he should stay. It was infuriating. It made him think about their relationship, if she acted like this now because she really has changed, or was it because the distance helped her realise she wasn't in love with him at all? This thought caused him physical pain, making his heart beat disturbingly strong. Suddenly he felt like choking again, it felt like there wasn't enough air for him to breathe. Alas, he had to control it, he couldn't let anyone know about it as it could give them the idea of sending him to a different place. He couldn't afford that. He was scared that if he stepped outside of this building, he would lose her for good. It couldn't happen. He couldn't accept it. He had to do everything that's possible to prevent it from happening.

"You were right," Hange sighed. "She's not very keen to talk,"

"Did she tell you anything? " Jean asked and Hange repeated her whole conversation with Sophie word-by-word.

"Well, that's barely anything," Mike furrowed and got up from his seat. "Her face? What was it like? Maybe her emotions would tell us something more than she's willing herself," he suggested.

Levi leaned closer to Hange in order to hear her answer better. He was curious to know. The truth is he had mixed feelings - if Sophie showed more emotions with Hange, he would be happy that she started opening up, yet sad at the same time that she couldn't show anything when he was around. He. Her husband. The man she chose to marry. But she told you she doesn't feel married to you, didn't she? A tiny voice echoed inside his head and his fists clenched involuntarily, eyes became shiny from tears that wanted to flow down his face. This situation was extremely tough and not knowing how long it was going to take to change or if it ever would change, was killing him. No matter what, he was going to stay by her side, take care of her from a safe distance if she didn't want him around anymore. No matter how painful it would be, he wasn't going to abandon her. That's something he would never do. He didn't care about the ring at this point. Even if he wasn't her husband, he would still stick around. He deeply, madly, irretrievably loved her. Nothing was going to change that. He was sure about it the moment he realised his feelings and he was sure about it now. His heart decided a long time ago that it belonged to her. No chance in hell it would change its mind.