Cold All the Way Through, But Warming

Cozy

"Again, what could I say to what you wrote?" He set his pipe down on a table, "After what happened to you. There was nothing to say to that, nothing that I could do to fix it. Silence seemed the best option."

"Will, I swear he didn't have me and I just, I, if you want to end things just say it to my face." I felt a tear rise to my eye as my words came out in a rush, "I can understand why you would, and I would not be angry with you, but I just want to hear it from you." I placed my face in my hands, too terrified to look at him. I had anticipated this, the words he would say. It was going to be over, and I'd be back on the Star and steaming for New York, alone. I felt my voice catch, "Not in a letter, from your lips. Please Will, just tell me that you don't want me. I already know it, just, just say it."

I heard him stand, and the next thing I knew he was kneeling in front of me, pulling my hands away from my face. I had expected his voice to still be harsh, but he was quiet as he spoke. "Ana, why would you think that?"

"You never wrote me! I thought you didn't want me anymore, that I was truly ruined." I sniffed, looking down at him. His blue eyes were focused on me, his hands strong around mine. I tried to steady my voice, "I saw myself as a whore, between the pictures and having to act like, like I did, and I thought you would leave me for what I did." I tried to stop the tears pricking at my eyes, "And you only sent one letter, so I had no clue what you thought about what happened. How could I have not thought that?"

"Ana, I didn't write because I couldn't find the words. I still can't find the words to say what I want to do. I was so angry when I read your letter," He brushed at the tears on my face, his fingers rough but his touch gentle. "I still am. I wanted to come and kill him. Or call him out, as foolish as that sounds, I wanted to do something and I didn't want to face you until I did. Until I'd done something to get back at them, for you. But I could never be angry with you over what happened."

"I've missed you so much," I slid out of the chair, kneeling next to him on the floor. "I haven't been able to do anything, I can't even manage to sleep reliably." But he pulled me close, his hands in my hair. I heard my hat slide away, rustling to the floor, and hair pins plinked after it. "I felt so ashamed after what happened, and I wanted you but I knew you couldn't come. I thought to tell you everything, that you deserved to know, but I regretted sending it as soon as I did. I shouldn't have worried you with it, you already had so much to deal with." I seemed to speak in a rush, pressing my face to his shoulder.

"Shh," He ran his hands down my back, "None of that matters. None of that changes things between us. I still want you, as much as I did back in New York." I clung to him, crying out all my worries. I could feel his voice rumble in his chest, "I won't lie, I was furious that you put yourself in that situation. That you lowered yourself to what you did. But I was more angry that I was not there, that I could not protect you." He kept his arms around me, and I let my hands wander over him. To feel him again, solid under my touch, to smell him and feel the prick of his stubble as he kissed my cheek. I kissed his cheek in return, letting my lips wander to his ear. I had latched onto his earlobe when he started, "Ana, I'm not sure if this is what you need right now."

"Will," I let my lips graze over his ear, knowing how that excited him. "I want you, I want you so badly. And it's been so long." I'd spent so many nights dreaming of him, touching myself while I pictured him, thinking of doing the acts that Morgan had told me about. Feeling the parts of him that were hidden by his clothes, letting him feel all of me. I hardly cared what it would make me, if I was going to be a loose woman, after what had happened I may as well be loose with someone I wanted.

"I thought we had settled this," He jerked underneath my hands as I reached lower, my hands slipping underneath his waistcoat. "It's not that I don't want you."