Carrier

Always Mine

It's unbelieveable the amount of support I have gotten from the fans. At the four concerts we have had sense the reveal of my...condition the fans have all showed their support. Holding up posters that read they have my back or will protect me themselves or that they are sending their love to me during my transition. More than a couple times during each show I broke down crying from the overwhelming love the fans have been sending me.

It of course hasn't been easy. I don't move around as much as I do in past shows fearing I'll upset my stomach and when the pain gets too bad I am forced to sit down through the rest of the show. Each night when we get back on the bus I curl up in my bed trying to get as much sleep as possible, but there are times I am awoken by the sharp pains that leave me curled up in my bed silently crying. Zayn some how always senses when I am upset and pulls me out of my bed at times like these before laying me down on the couch where he holds me giving me massages on my belly and back. 

My mum and Ruth call me each night asking questions and wanting constant updates. I always tell Ruth the truth, but with my mum I may sugar coat it a little not wanting her to worry about me. 

Paddy is almost a constant shadow when we are out in public. He hovers near his eyes always searchign the crowds for anybody that may want to hurt me or kidnap me.

The lads always make sure I eat and drink a proper amount each day. They understand when I can't go out with them and party. They even stay behind with me to play video games or watch movies so I am not alone. They also hover on stage near me always asking how I am feeling or helping me when a sudden cramp hits me on stage making it hard to even stay upright.

Zayn is always within touching distance of me on stage. We will every once in a while run into each other or his finger tips will run across my back or arm sending shivers through out my entire body. He whispers what some of the posters say in my ear that I may not have noticed and even if I do I don't mind him repeating them in my ear. When he calls Perrie each night it makes my heartache with jealously. For they talk marriage, having a family together, and what the future has in store for them. It breaks my heart knowing that Zayn and I will never have that.

I try to talk to Sophia but it's hard for she is not that special somebody and I find myself tuning out a lot of what she is saying. Our relationship has always been more friend that romance.  She understands that I am in more so in love with Zayn than I will ever be with her and she reassures me tha it is okay. She even has admitted to me that she feels like she is using me sometimes to get attention on herself and her career. She always apologizes even though she really has nothing to apologize for I use her just as much, she really is more like my cushion that I can fall back onto. I never use the term that 'she is my beard' because I hate it. It feels like it is putting down both of us and that are entire relationship is fake. It really isn't, it's just not the relationship that so many, including my family, think it is.

Today is my first interview sense the news of me being a Carrier hit the headlines and I am so scared that I am throwing up in the backstage bathroom of whatever American TV talk show we are on.

"Maybe it's not nerves. Maybe it's just from your transition," Niall tries to assure me as he rubs my back as I throw up in the toilet.

"It's nerves. I have butterfiles in my stomach and not in a good way. I feel like I am going to die from fear," I reply resting my head on the rim of the toilet closing my eyes as I wait for the next wave.

"Well what is the worse that can happen? You'll  be fine. Just think after this you'll be able to get through interviews with a breeze again," Niall tries to assure me as another wave hits sending my back to the now familiar routine of gagging in a toilet.