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83- Kiss me

The truth was mine and Sirius' relationship was beyond fixing. Mine and Remus' relationship was practically non existent. The harsh reality was we were all kidding ourselves to think that things could ever be the same again.

To think that I hadn't left the country for two years.

To think that me and Sirius had not been civil with each other for longer than those two years.

To think that Remus had not been married and was now going through a divorce.

No thinking. I did no thinking. But it seemed like I never did.

I wished that I had died on that mission.

It would have been easier it would have been simpler because life was much harder. Me Draco and Blaise weren't the same anymore either. Blaise had his own demons to face and no matter how much he tried to hide it Draco still could not hide his disappointment in me over the fact that I had hurt Theo.

I was foolish.

The most important people in my life, I kept mistakenly pushing away and I knew that it was incredibly selfish and entitled and that the world owed me nothing but I always felt like I was constantly being punished.

Because contrary to Sirius' belief I was trying to be good. I was trying to be better and not be selfish anymore.

I left Remus to begin with because I was trying not to be selfish. I was trying to be the better person and think for him and where did that leave me? Alone whilst he got married.

The whole reason I had returned was not for me but for Blaise, to repay him for everything he had ever done for me and where did that leave me? Almost dying out on the Ministry floor.

The reason I had left Theo was not for me because I could have stayed and I would have forced myself to feel it but that was no way fair to him and it was so unbelievably selfish and so I let him go. And where did that leave me?

It left me alone again.

Always alone.
Always lost with nowhere to turn to and no one to rely on because it was me.
I was the problem.

And my problem was I felt like the world owed me something.

That because I had a shit life I was owed a happy ending.

That all those cruciatus' and losses and punishments and pain and more pain would count for something because I wasn't always bad.

I wasn't born bad.

But it was mindsets like that that would get me nowhere.

Nowhere.

And they didn't teach any of us this as kids, or in Hogwarts or in anything, but the world did not give a shit about who you were or what you went through.

The world was cruel and harsh and it was ruthless, it was every man for themselves.
The truth was people only ever cared for themselves, a sob story didn't matter to anyone because people had their own shit to deal with and handle and the truth was you could not rely on anybody to fix your life for you.

Nobody could fix that my parents were death eaters, nobody could undo all of their pureblood teachings and I was not the only person in the world who had gone through it. But because I was so self absorbed I always felt like I was. But I realised how stupid that was. There was Sirius too. And he didn't expect the world to fix any of that for him because it never would. Merlin he was thrown away and locked up in Azkaban just for his last name.