Back to 505

77- Life or Death?

I had chosen, decided a long time ago actually that I had wanted to die. It wasn't to be dramatic or to be morbid, it was a simple fact in my brain. I was always going to die by my own accord.

I fantasised death far too much. In my sleep, I dreamed of being in a world that wasn't this one and that I had never existed at all, but that was too nihilistic to admit out loud to anyone. It felt like I wasn't in my own body, like I was simply passing by time until I finally grew some courage to actually do it. I had thought of it as a child, as young as twelve, I fantasised of being somewhere that wasn't with anyone else, I envied the feeling of just not dealing with things anymore.

But this wasn't the sort of thing I could ever tell anyone, anyone who knew me. Not anyone who wasn't licensed and trained to deal with this sort of thing.

I had set dates out. One at 12 years old, another at 15, another at 17 and then another at 21 but I was never brave enough to go through with any of them. There was always something holding me back. Someone begging me to stay. I used to think it was selfish because if someone had a physical problem, a physical illness and they were in pain all the time, nobody would beg them to stay, nobody would guilt trip them, nobody would make them feel like they were selfish to go, because it would end their suffering. As I grew more mature I still don't think that the view had changed much, but I was starting to see the other perspective more.

Death was not something I feared, it was something that I would welcome with open arms. It was something that I would silently wish for at night. I would pray to a god for something to happen to me so that I'd be happy, finally.

Now I was 25.
And I wasn't sure if things had changed or not.

There was finally clarity, finally an answer to everything I had been questioning.

Why do I always feel like this?

If I could go back, I would explain it to me in lay terms that I wasn't the only person who had felt like this, that there was more like me and that it could be dealt with, it could be treated, life didn't always have to be like this. It wasn't that big of a deal, so many people felt like this, I could be fixed.

At 25, I was starting to come to terms with thinking less about death. Less about how to waste my life away, about how or when I was going to do it, questioning whether it was worth it or not. I was getting better. Something that was ruining my whole life was slowly starting to get better with something as simple as meds and surrounding myself with the right people. Life wasn't so bad anymore. In fact, I was starting to like it, I had a good job, I was successful, I had established friends that would last me a lifetime, I was healthy, I was sober, I had Theo and we were somewhat happy.

I didn't want to die properly, but it was becoming evident that it would be a price I would have to pay if I was to be a good friend.

Blaise would lay down his life to me I kept reminding myself. I had no doubt about it, I just knew with my whole heart that he would. He never needed me to show him constantly how much I loved and appreciated him, he just knew. But now more than ever, I felt a duty, a debt to pay after all those years that he had put into me, invested into being my friend and into being my family.

I was maturing, I had realised just how selfish I was sometimes. How as teenagers I didn't ever thank him, how sometimes I took advantage of his loyalty, how I knew no matter what I did or how I treated him, he would never leave because he was loyal to a fault.

But we weren't kids anymore, Merlin, one of us had a kid now, things had changed, life was different, it was funny how things would work out.