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72- New Beginnings

I wondered if dreams were signs from something. Maybe the universe telling you to do something, or maybe warning you of something. Or maybe they were just your conscience, keeping you up at night, perhaps it was just guilt. Regrets.

Now, I don't know if I was dreaming or if I was hallucinating, but I do know that whatever it was, it wasn't real, because it just seemed so far out of reach that this would ever happen.

I think maybe, it was what Remus had said and maybe my subconscious held onto it or something. I don't know.

But I was talking to Sirius. I had gone to him straight after leaving Remus instead of going to Adrian. He opened the door and looked at me in surprise, shocked that I would ever even seek him out again after our fight, but then he was holding me in his arms. Because I was literally falling apart, the pain of my heart breaking from letting Remus go, took a toll on my body as my sobs broke through and shook me and I struggled to stand.

He hushed me, quickly closing the door behind him, using his body to lift me upright before letting me bury my face in his chest.

"He's gone forever. I've lost everything."

"Not true, not me."

"He kissed me, I thought it meant everything. I begged him to stay, it still wasn't enough. He went back."

He sighed deeply and shook his head.
He moved us to the sofa, without breaking us he sat down, held me close without letting go.

"I'm sorry."

"No matter what I do, I.. I've been trying to change, I swear, he still doesn't.. it's my fault to begin with, I ruined everything. Why would he even want me, I'm too young for him, I'm stupid, I'm inexperienced with this love shit what even possessed me to think otherwise."

"Hey, none of that now, okay." He said softly, prying my hands away from my face, wiping my tears with his thumb.

"You're going to be okay. It'll pass."

"It feels like it never will."

He closed his eyes and sighed again.

"You both kill me, I'd give anything to go back to the way things were." He admitted.

I would too.

"But sometimes life works out in mysterious ways, you can't question it. Sometimes things aren't meant to be. Last time it was the best thing for you to do. This time maybe it's the best thing for Moony to do. You've got to let him love."

I'd give anything to go back. I'd actually even sell my soul. Things were perfect. They weren't always good but they were perfect. Being with Remus was the happiest I had ever been in my life. I could have dealt with the darkness alone. I could have done it in silence and dealt with it myself without even letting him know. That way I would still have him and maybe things wouldn't have turned out this way.
I had so many regrets.

Apparently they said that when people were at their lowest point in their lives, their brains would play tricks on them.
People in Azkaban for example.
I'm sure their psyche probably told them things too, shown them the person they'd want most to comfort them, told them what they would say.