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78- Uncertainties

When I woke I felt sick, like an overwhelming feeling of needing to be sick because the anxiety was eating it's way at me and I could feel my stomach doing flips.

This wasn't how things were supposed to go. I don't know why I felt like this, but I did, I should have been beyond grateful that I was alive, but I.. I don't know.

I felt a warm weight in my hand as I opened my eyes to the bright white lights of St Mungo's and I resisted the instinct to close them again.
Instead I turned to see what was in my hand.

It was his.

Scarred and balmy, warm and heavy as it lazily laid in mine. I felt tears brim my waterline, they stung as I tried to not let them fall.
Why was he still here?
He shouldn't have been here.

I wondered how long he had stayed there and how long I had even been there. I looked down at the hospital gown they had put me in and I lifted it to see my torso. The tears fell anyway it didn't matter how much I tried to fight them, my body was ruined with a scar so big and deep that no amount of makeup would be able to cover it. It ran from my rib cage down to my hip bone, it was hard to look at, it was disgusting, I pulled my gown back down.

I didn't dare to move any more, afraid that I would alert him of my presence and that he'd wake. He was fast asleep in a very uncomfortable position in a very uncomfortable hospital chair, his arm was stretched out so his hand could lay in mine and his neck looked like it would be stiff when he woke.

I let him sleep.

I think it was more so for myself.

I didn't want to deal with anything yet. Things were so confusing, Merlin why couldn't anything just be simple for us for once and not be so complex?

Had we crossed the line? Was it just because I was dying? Did he mean what he said? Was he just afraid I would die? What does this mean? Do we go back to our respective partners? Do we try again? What does any of this mean?

I let him sleep, I figured he would still be there if I rested my own eyes again. But I started to think about everything again, everything in my life that had led up to this.

It had been a long time since I had cried, I was due it, I think this was a valid reason for me to cry. I had almost died and now I was alive and Remus was right here and only a couple of weeks ago my life was completely different and I was in Rome.

You couldn't escape your life though.
Home was home.

Rome couldn't be forever.

I must have moved a bit eventually because he stirred and then he woke and my hand felt tight as his gripped mine harshly, obviously subconsciously out of shock.

"You're awake." He gasped, quickly straightening himself up and he smiled hopefully and I tried my best to give him one back.

He slowly rose from the chair and sat carefully besides me at my bed. He brought my hand up to his lips and pressed a chaste kiss to the back of it.

"Are you in pain? Why are you crying?" He asked worriedly.

"A little." I lied to keep him calm.

His hands moved to the hem of my gown and he gingerly lifted it before I quickly stopped him.

"I don't want to see it. Leave it." I urged.