Doctor - a zigzag journey

Part 13 - Perplexed

Background:  1986 - 1987 (Age 19 - 20 years)

Despite burning the midnight oil for an endless number of nights for two years in the high school, I did not get into a medical school. I was utterly devastated when my dream for studying medicine was shattered. Instead, my high school examination grades qualified me to study engineering at the National University of Singapore (NUS). My head was stormed by many questions and worries:

Had I disappointed Ah Ma and my siblings as I had not qualified for a place in a medical school?

Many of my friends, relatives, and neighbours knew my ambition was to become a doctor.  Was that a disgrace for not fulfilling my ambition?

Was I feeling guilty?

Was I denying?

Was I angry?

Should I re-sit my high school examinations in order to attempt fulfilling my dream?

Resitting exam would incur more money! After all, it would never guarantee a place in a medical school.

Should I just give up my dream of studying medicine?

Engineering is my cup of tea too as I like analysing and solving problems.

I would take four years to complete an engineering degree, and a number of years to earn some money to pay back a study-loan.

Studying in NUS entailed leaving home to live in another country for at least four years. How adaptable and independent was I?

Accepting the offer to study an engineering degree equalled to giving up my hope to study medicine for the rest of my life? {I had not heard about the possibility of studying medicine after obtaining a graduate degree in the 1980s. There was no access to studying medicine in a private tertiary institution in that era, particularly for someone like me who grew up in a poor family in a rural town.}

Despite obtaining a study loan from an institution in Singapore, I had not yet got enough money to pay the admission fee and living expenses in Singapore Dollar which was and is always higher than the Malaysian Ringgit.

Perhaps I should defer my study? Should I look for a job to earn some money to fund my tertiary education instead of adding more financial burden to Ah Ma and my siblings? But, the university would not accept a deferment.

Perplexed. Yes, that was the right word describing my feeling at that time. I let that perplexity wandered listlessly in my head. Was that a sign of depressive mood? Was that a sign of giving up?

*****

It was a warm stuffy night. I was reading a job advertisement in a newspaper. It advertised for a "machinist" in a factory in Singapore. The requirement was a secondary school certificate and fulfilling the on-the-job training. The advertisement sounded like talking to me.

"How much money will you need to study in Singapore?" Ah Ma, who sat next to me in a rattan chair, spoke to me while fanning herself with a cardboard.

"A few thousand dollars. Don't worry, Ah Ma, I am looking for a job in a factory." I replied in a voice that soon went quietly in disappointment while my fingers were fidgeting on the advertisement for a position as a machinist.

Ah Ma stopped fanning herself and remained silent for a minute.

"I can sell this wooden house to fund your study. We can move to live with your eldest brother in Kuala Lumpur," Ah Ma said in a voice full of affirmation and determination.

I was touched and speechless. I knew she meant it and she never broke her promise. From her, I learned determination and perseverance.

My eldest brother was working as a salesman and living in Kuala Lumpur; my second brother was also a salesman living in another state called Malacca; my sisters were undergoing training in a college as they wished to become school teachers.

Leaving a town in which we had lived for more than twenty years was not an easy step in our lives. Selling the wooden house for a few thousand dollars to fund my study was a bold step in our lives. The house that protected us from rain and the sun, and in which we all grew up would soon become someone else property. I would soon miss the "ding ding dong dong" sound from the rusty zinc roof during rainy days. Was this a right decision? Would I be able to complete my engineering degree and get a job as an engineer four years later?

Perplexed.

A mathematician, James Maxwell, once said: "The mind of man has perplexed itself with many hard questions. Is space infinite, and in what sense? Is the material world infinite in extent, and are all places within that extent equally full of matter? Do atoms exist or is matter infinitely divisible?"#

However, my perplexity was not the same as James Maxwell's quote. My perplexity was about bread and butter, and poverty and future.

#Reference: brainyquote website