Lies {Larry Stylinson}

Chapter 24: Pain

A/N I’m so sorry again for that last chapter! This one is depressing, just a warning. I wanted to cry while writing it so…yeah. This is going to be long because I’ll be doing a lot of POVs. If I’m switching then it will be signaled by *** three stars. I loved you guy’s comments on the last chapter, it’s amazing to know that my writing has the power to make people cry. That also scares me so I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Don’t kill me after this chapter please. *Hides behind Jimmy* After this you will all love Jimmy, still gonna hate Stan though, sorry, not sorry.

-Claire xx

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December 16th 2012

 Have you ever felt like curling into a ball and staying like that forever? Have you ever wanted to go to sleep and never wake up? Have you ever wanted to just disappear? Have you ever cried so much there’s no water left to cry anymore? Have you ever felt so tired, but you can’t sleep? Have you ever felt like you’ve fallen into a hole, but nobody will help you out? Have you ever felt so alone and nothing makes sense? Well that’s how I feel right now…I feel like I’m facing everything myself, with nothing but dried tears and a fake smile.

I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of yelling. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of being angry. I’m tired of acting crazy. I’m tired of feeling stuck. I’m tired of needing help. I’m tired of remembering. I’m tired of missing things. I’m tired of being different. I’m tired of missing people. I’m tired of feeling worthless. I’m tired of feeling empty inside. I’m tired of not being able to let go. I’m tired of wishing things could just start over. I’m tired of dreaming of a life that I will never have. But most of all, I’m just tired of being tired.

I’m ready to end it all.

I finished writing and hugged the notebook to my chest, staring out the window of my flat. It’s been four days since Harry left, and they have been miserable. My wrists that were almost completely healed are now marked again with fresh cuts. I had scrubbed away the hearts first, because I couldn’t bear to break them even more. The majority of this time was spent on the window seat, staring at the ground below, and waiting for Harry to come home, but he never did.

I hadn’t slept or eaten since he left. I just couldn’t. I would set the food in front of me, but it made me want to puke. I would lay awake in bed for hours, before returning to the window seat or to write in my journal. I didn’t do anything that involved moving unless it was necessary.

I’ve always written in a journal when I’m upset. It usually makes me feel better, but right now it’s not helping at all. I threw it down to the ground and put my head in my hands. I knew I wouldn’t cry because I had nothing left to cry.

I had turned my phone off two days after Harry left, because every time it would go off I would run to it, hoping that it was Harry apologizing.

It never was.

I eventually turned it off, because of the let downs. It had gotten so bad that I would imagine hearing it ringing and run to it, only to find that it wasn’t. I didn’t need to add that to the list of things wrong with me.

Larry is another constant reminder that Harry left. I don’t mind though, because at least he still loves me, I think. He is currently sleeping by my feet. I rubbed the fur between his ears and he started purring and crawled into my lap. I continued stroking him as I looked back out the window.

I’m fucked up and no one seems to notice. I’m sad and no one seems to notice. I’m disappearing and no one seems to notice. I’m dying and no one seems to notice. I’m falling apart and no one seems to notice.