Silent Love, Silent Pain [Levi x OC]

34. 34th expedition

'Well, if that can help her figure out a more effective way of killing them it would be nice" he said more to himself than to her, dark thoughts entering his head again which wasn't left unnoticed by Sophie.

"Are you sure that you're okay?" she asked, concern hearable in her voice.

"I am. I'm just thinking about the next expedition"

"Already? We just came from the last one"

"I'm always ahead" he grinned, trying to act normally but he felt as if he was failing. He was a one, big failure himself.

"Which one will it be?" she asked. "32nd?"

"34th actually. I want us to go within a month"

"That's soon. Are you pressured? By commander-in-chief?"

"Zachary doesn't have anything to do with that," he quickly said. "Besides, the government would gladly shut down all of our expeditions," he said grimly.

"I see," she said slowly, thinking about his words. She knew him well at this point. Well enough to know what was hiding behind his words and he knew as well that hiding things from her wasn't a good idea, she was going to realise the truth sooner or later. "You want to retake the Wall before the government decide to shut us down for good"

"Indeed" his smile was sad. He massaged his temple thinking what else to say. "They don't care if their own citizens will have enough space to live as long as their pockets are full of gold" he scoffed.

"Nothing new. They shit on people living underground every day. It's just a matter of time before they'll turn their back on poor abovegrounders. It still sucks though"

He chuckled hearing her summary. "Suck indeed" he agreed, nodding his head. "We need success, Soph."

"I'm afraid that it's going to be hard to achieve" she sighed and he did that as well. She was right and he hated it. He hated being powerless.

"You're right" he sighed as well. "Don't you want to join Levi? Maybe he would be a better companion for you this morning?" he suggested. He didn't want her to look at him when he was in such a state. Normally he wouldn't even suggest she go to Levi. Whenever she was with him she seemed more absent. Happy, but absent. It was bothering him, one of his concerns these last few years and he couldn't allow himself to be concerned about anything else than his job

"He's busy with his squad" she squirmed on her seat and crossed her arms, averting his eyes. Suddenly she was tense. "I don't want to interrupt them"

"Didn't know that he's that sociable" he chuckled, trying to cheer her up, but he failed. She just rolled her eyes and huffed.

"Let's just not talk about it, alright?" she asked. She was in no mood for that. She knew that it was unreasonable of her for acting like this, like a baby, like a brat. But she couldn't help it. Something about Petra was annoying her and she seemed to be his favorite subordinate. He was treating her just the same as he treated Eld, Gunther and Oluo and yet, whenever he talked to her in a normal tone, whenever he looked at her, was around her in general - she was mad.

She was drugging herself to spend time with him. She was losing all of her money to buy pills that could make it possible for her to spend time with him without the urge to punch him, scratch him or kick him. Or worse. And Petra was getting his attention so effortlessly. She was jealous of that. She shouldn't be able to do it without pain. As terrible as her thoughts were, she couldn't make them disappear. She just wanted his attention. If he was going to treat Sophie casually then everyone should be treated worse than her. If he was going to treat them casually then she should be treated better by him. She was selfish and stupid. Unreasonable. Mad. And she didn't understand why. Why was she feeling this way? Only because of the troubles she's been through to be friends with him? That didn't sound like friendship. Demanding him to treat her better or everyone else worse was not good of her. Not friendly. It was as if he wanted for him worse than he deserved. She was a selfish, terrible person.