Jigsaw Girl

Sundays

Chapter 10 – Cold Beds and Hidden Flowers

"Goodnight dear. If you were in my bed it might be the back of your head I was touching, where the hair is short, or it might be up in the front where it makes little caves above your head. But wherever it was, it would be the sweetest place, the sweetest place."

Zelda Fitzgerald, Letter to F. Scott Fitzgerald 1931

It had been three days since Clarke had been admitted and I was sitting next to her, holding her hand, trying to determine if I had at some point slipped into an alternate universe. Honestly. And before you laugh at the foolish notion, let me ask you something. Have you ever been up for seventy-two hours straight? Like seriously, zero shut eye. If you haven't, let me just tell you that it's a mind fuck. It felt like I was having the worst fucking trip of my life. Especially when you added in the dangerous amounts of caffeine, adrenaline and of course the crippling emotional distress.

I knew that if I didn't get some sleep soon, I would be pushing my luck health and sanity wise, but I just needed to see Clarke wake up again before I did. So I stayed up. I rubbed my thumb in little circles over hers and tried to hold out for just a little while longer.

With all the silence, it was very hard to not think of everything that had happened. I tried to push it away, but I was so tired I just didn't have the strength in me to do so. It was also hard not to put the blame on myself, knowing before I left that something was off with Clarke. If only I had followed my instincts and stayed. Or called before I left Toronto. I remember Aden telling me she had only been gone a couple hours. If I had just let them know I was coming home, would this still have happened?

Not being able to withstand all the guilt, I let my head fall to rest on the plastic side guard of the bed and just cried as quietly as I could. They had unbound Clarke's wrists after she woke up the first time, since she was no longer on the ventilator and when I felt a hand lay softly on my head, I picked it up quickly.

Seeing Clarke's eyes open, I wanted to shoot up out off my chair, grab her face and kiss her until I had nothing left. But I didn't. Her chapped and quivering bottom lip stopped me, along with the tears that were pouring down her cheeks.

"Hi, Love." I was surprised my voice came out as strong as it did.

Once she hears my voice though, she breaks down and starts sobbing, trying her hardest to pull me into the bed with her. I looked out the glass walls to the nurses station and saw that they weren't looking. So, I made sure I was as careful as possible not to rip off any of the endless wires, her oxygen hose or pull out her IV and climbed into the bed with her. She curled up into my side and I almost lost it again.

"I'm so sorry Clarke." I really felt that I needed to apologize, that it was all my fault. She shook her head before putting her face into the crook of my neck. "I love you so much. I'm so sorry."

"No." Her voice cracks as she repeats the word to me over and over again, in between sobs.

Echo, the nurse that had been there with us for most of the time opens up the glass doors, peeking her head in first. She walks up to the machines, writing down what she sees. "Lexa." She whispers causing me to look up a her. "I'm going to go and get her some water. The doctor will be with me when I come back." So, basically she was telling me I had to get out of the bed before he came in. She went to go turn around and I grabbed her wrist, silently giving her my thanks. She smiles softly and nods before leaving.

I took advantage of the few moments I had and kissed Clarke's head multiple times. "Clarke?" She looks up at me and I could feel my heart start to rip apart. Just the amount of torment I could see in her eyes, broke me. But I didn't let it show. No, I couldn't let her see how much I was hurting. I didn't need anything else to weigh on her precious shoulders. "Love, the doctor is going to be coming in soon. I'm going to get out of the bed but I'm not going anywhere ok?" Her lip quivers again before she nods and I have to force myself to move from her side.