Jigsaw Girl

This love is pain, but can't be cut out from these veins

Chapter 8 – Worn to the Bones

Those are the two things you want to do most when you love somebody: to save them (sometimes from themselves) and to be near them always."
Francois Lelord, Hector & The Search for Happiness

After my talk with Aurora and Octavia, I texted Lincoln and asked if he wouldn't mind letting Ontari train with him that day. I wasn't about to leave Clarke. He said it was fine so I texted Ontari to apologize and let her know. She seemed fine with it, so I didn't let it bother me too much. Then, I snuck back into bed with Clarke as carefully as I could. She stirred only a little when I pulled her against my chest. I wanted to try and get some sleep but it was impossible. My mind wouldn't stop. I was worried and wondering what was about to happen to Clarke. I wanted to make sure I was prepared to help her however I was able, but it was hard because I still had no idea what was going on, really.

Aurora had told me that Clarke would be internalizing everything into self hatred, but I couldn't imagine what that would look like. Couldn't imagine how she could.

I stayed awake trying to prepare myself for the unknown, while she slept and she didn't end up waking until well after dinner time.

"Good evening, Love." I whispered as I kissed her head and face over and over again. Clarke was all smiles and for a second I thought maybe nothing would happen. Maybe the rest she got helped her. Or that by me being there, holding her and loving her, it had driven whatever was about to take place, away. Unfortunately, I was wrong.

"Wait. Evening? How long did I sleep?" Clarke pushed herself up and away from me, trying to climb out of the bed. "Why did you let me sleep so long? Did anyone come over to get any weed?" She looks around frantically for her pants. "It's almost the first, Lexa! I can't miss out on any sales. We have the mortgage due and our house tax is this month." Clarke starts throwing clothes around looking for a specific pair of pants.

"Clarke..."

"I can't believe you let me sleep this long! Is today Friday?" It was Friday and that was her busiest day of the week since it was payday.

"Clarke." I tried one more time.

"What!" She spun around quickly on her heels and faced me with burning eyes.

I found the pair of pants she was looking for and handed them to her . "Octavia stayed home today and has been handling everything for you. It's ok. You needed some rest and..."

"What's that supposed to mean?" She was angry and offended and it took me a second to think about what I had said to make her feel that way. While I was off thinking in my own head replaying everything, Clarke took the opportunity to look around the room. She walked up to the pictures she had taped up and looked at them in confusion.

At that point, I wasn't sure how to proceed. Did I mention the art show she was talking about? Clarke had seemed more herself in every way and not like the previous night. Her speech wasn't slurred or fast and other then being a little on the grumpy side, she seemed fine. But, I didn't get to decide to bring it up or not. She had beat me to it..

"Oh my god." She puts her hand over her mouth with a look I will never forget. She was terrified. Tears filled her eyes quickly as she looked at me.

"Hey it's ok, Love." I reached my arm out to touch her but she jumped back and shook her head no.

"No it's not." She said before the sobs came and she backed up even further from me.

"Clarke..."

"Please leave, Lexa." She was scared and ashamed but I needed her to know there was no reason to be. That everything was ok, I wasn't going to look at or treat her any differently.