The Shameless Little Lies #2

26 what i thought and what is true

My phone keeps buzzing like crazy. 10 missed calls from Rose. 5 missed calls from Mom. 3 missed calls from my father. And now, Timothy's name is flashing across the screen, begging to be picked up. I had really done it this time. Honestly, I don't even remember when was the last time someone put this much interest in me since the accident. Up until now, most of them acted as if I had leprosy. As if the notion of me being tied to pills and drugs made me infectious. Such hypocrites. 

I meant what I told Aspen at the roof of the natatorium though. I hadn't gotten high except that one time with that fucker Brad. The pills I stole from Bishop's bathroom are still untouched, still in my pocket. I carry them everywhere I go. Which is stupid, sure, because if someone found them it would probably be pretty difficult to explain without coming off as a liar. Not that I care. Having them this close to me feels oddly calming. Like the help is always within the reach if needed. It's a temptation as well but sometimes the things that are the most tempting also provide you a salvation, if you are strong enough to resist. Or that's what I keep telling myself at least.

I also meant it when I told her I'm going to fix this. Which is the very reason why I let Timothy's call go through and then power off my phone, not giving a shit to check any of the received messages either. They can all go to hell. I'm not interested in hearing other lies and I'm definitely not up for hearing them scream at me, or lecture me about how much I just fucked shit up with beating the hell out of Roger.

My blood boils just thinking about the whole situation. Roger. Brad. Timothy hooking up with Rose. The fact that I let my anger get the best of me again. Not being able to remember what I so desperately need to despite the stupid sessions with Dr. Jones. The lies. The goddamn fucking lies.

Even knowing what I have to do now makes me angry. Because I know the price. The sacrifice. I know that even though things are deeply fucked now, the spiral of the ultimate fuckery is still not finished. It's going to get even worse. For me, at least. The risk is too big but I know this is the only way out of this. I need to know the truth.

The house is empty when I make my way in, which is a good thing because this way, I don't have to put up a meaningless, energy-draining fight with my father. Still, part of me expected him to be here. To be waiting on me on the couch with a disapproving expression seated on his face, ready to curse me the fuck out for not picking up my phone and making everyone worried about me. Then again, it's better this way. The less people I come across tonight, the better. I can't afford any more distractions.

Not when I already made a stop at the Highland High natatorium and made the mistake of contacting Aspen. No, fuck, it wasn't a mistake. I wanted to see her. I needed to see her so I could explain myself. So I could tell someone about all the shit going on in my head. I needed to be with someone because I couldn't bear to be with myself after running away from the scene at Roger's and she was the first person that came to mind. Out of all people in my life, she turned out to be the person I apparently trusted the most, despite knowing so little about her. That's why I texted her.