SILENT TEARS || JK

42

"How?" That was the only thing I was able to utter after a long silence.

Jaehyung took me and helped me to sit on the bench near us.

He looked at me pitifully.

I did not cry.

After hearing Jaehyung's words I did not cry as he expected me to. Not even a single tear has left my eyes. I was so numb and I just stared at whatever the thing which was in front of me. The pain Jaehyung's words caused me were too much to act like normal. If this was something normal I would have definitely been crying to the point where I lost all the energy and life within me. But this...this is just too much. This is too much for me to handle. There were no more tears or life within me to cry more. I felt like I have already being killed alive.

Because death is permanent. It is for forever. And that deep feeling of realising that you won't ever be able to be in the warmth of your love, the feeling of not being able to watch yourself in his sparkling eyes, not being able to wake up in his warm embrace every morning and that feeling of realising that you have to spend the rest of your life without his presence, most importantly after knowing that he had already being long gone....

All those were more than enough to kill me millions of times alive.

Jaehyung didn't reply to my question immediately. Instead he stared at the view in front of him blankly.

Jaehyung broke down into tears and he silently cried. If this was something else I surely would have hugged him and comforted him. But this, in this case I was too numb and lifeless even to take a breath.

"Hyung.." After the long silence Jaehyung began to speak.

"Hana hyung..he killed himself"

I closed my eyes tightly with what Jaehyung has just told. I slowly moved my hand and placed it on my chest gripping the blouse I've been wearing.

It can't be happened.

'Killing himself?'

He won't do it. Jungkook won't do it.

He saved me and he was the one who scolded me saying that it was stupid.

"You little dumb don't ever do such a thing"

He said those.

It is his words.

I desperately wanted this to be a dream.

I really hate this.

I looked at Jaehyung with a pleading look to tell me that, this is not real.

"He won't. Jungkook won't do that. I know it"

This time tears escaped my eyes. I shook my head harshly wiped my tears not wanting to believe it.

"I don't know whether hyung has told you about these or not, but there were some things going on with my family those days..."

Jungkook's past. His traumatized past.

Jaehyung slowly began the story. The story which was capable enough to throw me to a point which I won't ever be able to come out of.

"Hyung...my poor hyung has suffered a lot because of those matters" Jaehyung was crying and he was taking deep breaths to keep him talking.

"He has suffered a lot because of others. I didn't know he was in a relationship with someone. I still can't believe it.  Because he never showed any interest on girls and neither he has time for those. Both of us had so many things to deal with"

'My brother cried every day. He worked hard and earned money to treat mom.  Actually, being the elder, I should have been the one to work and earn money but I was so busy comparing myself with others. So, my little brother did it for me, without even a single complaint '

I remembered Jungkook's words. He spoke with so much regret and pain. He hate himself for not doing anything for his mother and letting all the burden of everything to his brother's shoulders and making him work alone for all.

When I first realised Jaehyung is Jungkook's brother, I expected him to be mad about Jungkook. But Jaehyung being Jaehyung not even for a once he bad mouthed about his brother. He always talked about Jungkook only with love and the pain of losing him.

"I never paid any attention on him Hana. I knew he has been suffering.  But I couldn't pay any attention to him. I don't know about you both but as much as I know he didn't have anyone to talk. He always bottled up his thoughts and suffered alone"

Jaehyung let out a deep sigh before speaking again. The tension between us grew wider and wider with each passing second. My heart hammered hard against my rib cage signalling me that I'm not ready to hear the rest though I couldn't help but listen. 

"So eight years ago after suffering from everything hy...Hana hyung killed himself. H...he poisoned himself"

I squeezed my eyes tightly inhaling a shaky breath.

My heart was in fire. My breathe was heavy and my whole body was weak from all the painful words of Jaehyung.

Imagine hearing those painful words about the person you love so much. With all your heart and soul.  Not even an ordinary death but something like this.

Imagine the pain he would have encountered.

What should I have felt?

Few hours ago I was living my normal life waiting for Jungkook to show up in front of me as a miracle. But with a matter of seconds all those things have completely changed.

I was waiting for him to come.

But no never. He won't come again.

And those those thoughts made me wanting to run out of everything.

How badly I wished this to be a stupid nightmare?

"I was in my school when I got the news. I immediately ran upto him only to find his unconscious body in a hospital bed. I thought he has died. But no. He lived. For another two years. He was in a coma for two years"

At that moment I was only breathing. The only action I've been doing was breathing, though it felt like I needed to put an extra more effort into it as well. At that moment breathing was also too painful for me.

"I wished every day for him to recover soon from his coma. But he never did. He never made it. And after being in a coma for two years he left me forever. He left me alone. He left me when I needed his back. He was so cruel Hana"

Jaehyung murmured so many things to him not being able to bear those painful memories again.

And that's when it hit me.

That day when Jungkook told that he needed to go, I let go of him.

I let go of Jungkook. I let go of him.

Never even once, Jungkook has let go of my hand. But what have I done? When he told he needed to go, I let go of him. I just let go of him.

I couldn't save him. I should have understood what he was going through. But I didn't. I only cared about myself and what have I done?

And Jungkook why... Why did you leave me after my graduation? You wanted to make sure that I'm capable of living on my own?

Why? We could have gone through it together.

Why did I let go of his hand?