Chapter 20: Home

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No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't bring myself to fall asleep. I gently maneuvered out of Jake's grip, quietly opening the door and shutting it behind me. I could hear the guys fast sleep in their bunks. I tiptoed into the kitchen area and sat down at the table, staring out the window as the city lights flashed by. It was nice up here alone. It felt like one of the few times I had been alone since the tour had started.

"Can't sleep?" I heard from behind me. I sighed. It was nice while it lasted. 

I turned around to see Sam standing there, leaning against the wall. His hair a mess, and his eyes still half asleep. I shook my head, turning to look out the window again. He sat down across from me.

"So you found Josh.." He said. I nodded. I could feel him staring at me.
"What?" I asked. He smirked, shrugging his shoulders.
"So what happened?" He asked. I bit my lip.
"Nothing happened." I insisted. He held his stare on me, his smile growing.
"What?" I groaned.
"Look..." He started, running his fingers through his hair. "I know you like Jake. But.. we all know, Jess. Even if you don't want to admit it." I felt my cheeks burning. I looked up at him.
"You all know what?" I asked. He gave me his classic "You've got to be kidding me" face. I shook my head, looking back out the window.

"I'm with Jake." I said sternly.
"I know." He said simply. We sat in silence for a minute, but it was killing me. Sam looked over towards the bunks, and then back to me.
"But when you're with Josh.. we all see it. We saw it the moment he stepped out of the van." I shook my head. Sam smirked again.

"You can try to fight it all you want but.. we all know."
"There's nothing to know, Sam." I laughed. He shrugged, crossing his arms.
"Look.. I know he's not conventional. But.. he really is a good guy. He's.. passionate. And it's intimidating, I know. But.. he's special. And he deserves someone special. Whether or not that's you, well, it seems like that's up to you." I bit my lip, staring back up at him. I knew what he was saying, and he was right. 

But I didn't want to admit it.

I could feel my eyes start to water, quickly wiping them away on Josh's sweater. My cheeks burned. I was still wearing his sweater. It smelt just like him. Sam looked down at my sweater, his smile growing.

"You've started a collection, I see." He smirked. I smiled back at him. 
"He insisted." I mumbled. Sam rolled his eyes.
"I'm sure he did."
"Sam..." I said, but I couldn't hold it in anymore. Tears came to my eyes again. I tried hiding my face behind my sleeves, but he noticed. He moved over to my side of the table, wrapping his arm around my shoulder, pulling me close to him. More tears fell as we sat in silence.

"What's going on?" I heard from behind us. I quickly wiped my eyes and turned around to see Josh. Of course. The last person I wanted to see right now. Sam moved away.
"I think I'll leave you two alone." He said quietly, sliding out of the booth and heading back to his bunk. Josh stood next to the table, looking down at me.

"Can I sit?" He asked. I nodded, wiping my face again. I saw him look down at his sweater. I hoped he didn't mention it.
"Sure." I said quietly, turning to look out the window again. He slid into the booth across from me and stared back for a minute.
"Were you crying?" He asked quietly. I felt more tears come and kept my eyes locked outside.
"Jess.."

"You're right, Josh. I do have feelings for you." I finally blurted out. "But the idea of being with you.. is terrifying. You can be.. so much and I'm afraid that... I won't be enough for you. And that would kill me." He stared back at me wide eyed.
"Jess..." He sighed. I shook my head, looking back at out the window.
"But.. I care about Jake. And he makes me happy and... I'm not scared to fall for him."
"Fall for him?" He sighed, his face dropping. I bit my lip, feeling my cheeks burn again.
"You make me nervous, but he.. he feels like home."

Josh backed away, sliding out of the booth.
"Got it." He said plainly, his face turning red.
"Josh.." He shook his head. 
"It's.. it's fine. I'm.. I'll see you tomorrow, Jess." He sighed, going back to his bunk, pulling the covers over his head. I felt my stomach drop.

I eventually got up, and headed to the back bedroom. My heart dropped when I saw Jake standing in the doorway, his arms crossed staring back at me.
"Jake.." I said. He gave me a small smile.
"Hey." My face was burning.
"How much did you hear?" I asked. He shrugged, his smile growing.
"Enough."
"I'm sorry, I-" he cut me off, pulling me into a tight hug. I melted into his arms, feeling his heartbeat against my chest.

"You feel like home, too." He whispered into my ear. I looked back up at him and smiled, gently holding his face in my hands.
"I'm.. I'm sorry about everything else, I-"
"I didn't hear anything else." He smirked. My smile grew, and I pulled him into a passionate kiss. He tangled his fingers in my hair, pulling me in closer. It felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. He gently backed away, motioning to the back room. I nodded. He took my hand, pulling me in.

"Are you still drunk?" I laughed. He flashed me a smile, shaking his head.
"Hardly." He said, holding my face in his hands, pulling me back into another kiss. I gripped onto his shirt, pulling him closer.

"I just don't want-" He kissed me again, shutting me up.
"Shhhh.." He said, giggling to himself. "Just let me fall for you." I bit my lip, feeling my cheeks burn again. 

I nodded, pulling him back in and shutting and locking the door behind us. 


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