Power Microcosm

Chapter 46

I sit in bed, completely dazed however sleepy I'm not. I've slept, but there's so much limbo in my life right now that I can't get a bearing of what is up and what's not. There's the sun coming in from the window to left of my bed, but warmth is lacking in it and only a sterile light seems present.

My apartment with it's usual tenant present should be full and well, but is strangely void of what is needed. What is desired.

Looking over at my radio-clock of my nightstand, the time flashes out. Around one in the afternoon. Work started more than five hours ago, but I didn't wake to go to it. If going there puts me near what I can't have, only to watch him sadly, then I'd rather not. Quitting my job and finding another one actually crossed my mind, and it gets better each time I hear it as an idea.

Azrael said I shouldn't love him anyways...

I pull out my phone from where it charges, and look at videos and anything else to try and entertain myself in my low state. But everything I do look at in some way rivets back around to remind me of my dejection. There's so much pain in me now, and it leaks out like the rains of the great flood.

Nothing makes me feel better, so soon I put my phone away and then go back to laying in bed. Sometime later I go the bathroom, and also wash my face, red and dried in my eyes, because of crying, still miserable in appearance.

Going back to bed, I lay back down, quiet, and sighing out.

I spend all of the time I got back from yesterday, from the office, miserable with water running from my eyes. I spent maybe an hour or more in the shower, crouched down and sobbing as warm water that felt distant ran down my body. Nothing of that experience eased me, nothing at all.

Looking at the clock, I see that it's still only around two, well, closer to three, but time doesn't mean anything right now either. I could be road-kill for all I care since I barely move.

Suddenly, I hear a knock from my front door. I turn over and cover my head with a pillow. Ignoring it. I don't want anybody around. Or me around for that matter. There's no point in being around anybody, unless it's him.

But he doesn't want me around. So there's no me.

The knocking continues though, until I start to also hear a voice, that pulls me out of bed as I in complete disbelief find Azrael standing outside my apartment door.

He has on his suit, but it seems askew. His tie is not right in the length it hangs down, and his hair is in disarray. Under his grey eyes, still beautiful, are blueish circles, and his eyes are red and painful.

But that doesn't compare to his eyes, which are wide, and sad. Torn, hurt, despondent, wet. Searching for me, and when he finds my eyes, they tear up more.

"Hello, Hogarth," he says in a whimpering voice.

It hurts to see him in such suffering, but I recall how he shoved me away so hard, and my face turns stony.

"What is it?" I ask, a little coldly.

Azrael flinches, and he cowers before me.

"I-I," starts Azrael, "I wanted to come and...t-talk to you."

"Talk?" I ask, hoping for more.

"Y-yes," says Azrael connecting his eyes to me, and then averting them downwards, "i-if you would grant me your time."

I sense him trying to say more, but not ready to. But if talking perhaps leads to something, I guess I will.

Nodding, I open the door, and Azrael walks into my apartment, trembling and his head ducked slightly.