Little More Love || Completed

Dear Diary - 12

30 March, 2018
( Two years and eight months ago )

Dear Diary,

Guess, where I am? In a flight. To Chicago. That's the first flight I could find from Manchester. I didn't have a visa so I'm flying with US ESTA.

My life is just weird and I'm fucked up. Why everytime I'm excited about something, has to be fucked up? If someone had asked me who do I trust more? Hans or myself. I would've picked the former in a heartbeat.

But guess what? Hans hates me.

I went to his office, to surprise him with the news of becoming a father. And I saw Rebecca White, his former girlfriend. Sitting on his lap. Kissing him, inappropriately.

I mean kissing someone else's husband is inappropriate in every sort of way. But the main point is...

He wasn't stopping her. He wasn't freaking stopping her.

I stood there like an idiot, that honestly I am. But that's not the most stupid thing I've done. After seeing my husband making out with another woman. My heart somehow managed to convince me that I should give him a chance to explain.

So instead of slapping that bastard right there, I went home. Again waited like an idiot. And when he came. Drunk, he literally threw divorce papers on my face.

He said if I weren't a rich businessman's daughter, he would've never married me. He was too drunk to stand properly but he still was conscious enough to tell me how much he hated being with me.

He said that he hated the song I wrote for him on his birthday. And on our trip to Scotland, I was just being a headache to him.

According to him, I'm just a scared antisocial arse who's good for nothing. He reminded me of all the things that I used to feel insecure about once. That ironically he helped me get over with.

I never knew i had given him so much power that he could just crush me like that in nothing within seconds. You know how hard it is to know that the things you once felt insecure about yourself, are the reason your " someone special " hates you.

I signed those divorce papers as he asked, also left my wedding ring on it. I know he couldn't care less about it but I also left a note, maybe to satisfy my own ego, I don't know.

You know what, I think it's me. There's something in me that makes people want to not like me. I'm unlovable. I'm the one who doesn't deserve to be loved.

But I'm also done blaming myself. From today, I will live like I've always wanted to, with whatever time I've left. Fearless. Happy. With my own rules. If that's called living in denial, I'll live in denial. I won't think about the past.

People will know me for me. Not as a daughter of some rich father. It's hard to forget some things. But I'm sure eventually I will just laugh at moments like these. I will be that happy.

I will live, not just survive.

And I will never come back to Manchester, ever. I don't know what I deserve, but what I've been through is definitely not something I deserve.

About my pregnancy, I've already taken the pill. Yes, I'm going to abort the child. Not because what Hans has done to me. I can carry a child on my own. I don't need a bloody man for that.

But no one knows how much time I'm left with. I won't bore a child then be dead, abandoning it. Take advice from someone who had lost her mother when she was thirteen.

Goodbye Diary, this is the last time I'm writing my shit down. Because after this night, there will be a new dawn, and a new Noriana. Correction Nora.

Love Nora.

❤❤❤