Not yet drowning

Dying or Surviving

March 6th 2020. Vanessa was at work, she hadn't heard from Ryan in about a month. He never came by after that day he made her that dating deal. He texted or called her every time his life wasn't working out how he wanted, or Lexi would kick him out of her house for days. She told him no she didn't have the room. She cause with Ryan not paying support much if at all, she had to find a place she could afford to rent on her own. She was working 3 jobs, but anyone who lives in Canada let alone southern Ontario, knows the cost of living her is extreme. A 3 bedroom alone in her city was at least 2000 plus at least. Even with a full-time job that only paid her $14.50 an hour, 2 part-time jobs at a stables which was more for her anxiety and only days or night she didn't have kids. She was struggling, one of her friends would tell her date find a rich guy, Vanessa refused to give up on herself at all. She would tell her friend, "I don't need some rich guy to come save me, I'm raising my kids and I'll bust my ass for them on my own." Even at the hardest times Vanessa didn't care about money for her money material things has nothing to do with love. She tell her friend "If I find someone I like it's for who they are as person, how they treat others and nothing else." Secretly, or stupidly she says she still was hoping Ryan would snap out of it and comeback. This day was her birthday though, and it was one of her most painful ones since losing her father as a teenager. She was at work, and went for one of her 15 minutes breaks, she only got 2 of them in a 10 hour shift. She noticed a dm on her facebook messenger, she looked it was from Lexi and her best friend. She didn't really pay attention to it. She didn't have time, she look on her second break in 4 hours.

2pm Vanessa went for her second break grabbing her salad from back fridge, and a green tea. She head back to the staff lunch room. She opened the dm now she looked at it and felt tears instantly. Right there in bold letters was a thing she feared. "Lexi is pregnant she won lol he didn't love you ever you lost. You ugly unloveable and no guy will ever want you just give up." She just sat there, thinking it was a cruel joke or something. She didn't eat her lunch at all, her hunger died instantly, she downed her tea and some water. She went back to the front of the store, she was always joking with co workers and getting along, she just went back for the next 2 hours without saying a word to anyone, other than customers.

4pm she left work in her car, she went and got the kids from their friends houses, they kids where still in school covid hadn't fully hit Ontario yet and schools where still open. When she pulled into the driveway of the house she was now renting, only the upstairs though, for $1850 a month plus. She gave her kids the keys to the front door, she just sat in her car. She called one of Ryan's family members to them the mean dm you got today. This family member of his knew the entire story as Ryan was truthful with her, telling her he was still involved with Vanessa in every way a husband and wife where until October 2019. She confirmed the pregnancy to her, Vanessa could feel her anxiety and tears building, but she refused to cry in front of the kids or anyone.

She went into her coping mode she knew all to well, she will say when she hurts badly is better to go invisible and stay hidden from the world. For the next 7 days she would go to work, come home take care of the kids, work out and go to her room cry herself to sleep. She started thinking how she did when she was 14, months after she lost her dad. That dark feeling creeped back into her heart, she wanted to end it all, but couldn't for her kids. She would say each day is one day more to my death and she was wanting that so badly now. She felt no one cared she was unloveable, other than her kids. She vowed to herself, that when her kids where a lot older and on their own, that would be her end of the line. What Ryan had done was like a death to her, it was the final crack in her heart and she couldn't manage to survive another one again. She would go to bed hoping she would never wake again. Julie kept bugging her, she knew about the deal, but she didn't know about Lexi having a baby sometime soon.