Not yet drowning

High School

Over the months, since her dads, passing and her secrets she kept hidden from everyone Vanessa focused on her school and sports. She'd wake up get ready for school, work towards finishing gr 8. She was quiet at school she wasn't eating much at all. She didn't sleep much she just kept in her bubble of numbness. She was convincing herself at was best way to survive. She was good at hiding everything, her mom consumed with her pain and going out with friends any chance she got, her brother was never home, she became invisible. At least she thought she had or hoped.

The day the bullying started, around mother's day during her gr 8 year. One friend notice Vanessa's new habits she stopped going home at lunch break. She would go to the mini cafe and eat some fruit like apple or watermelon nothing else. Once outside for recess she'd go by the creek and trees with a book her walkman cassette player. This day however was different her friend steve came up to her offered her half his ham sandwich asking if she was ok. She told him no she wasn't hungry, he said you can talk to me. She told him how she missed her dad that her mom blamed her. She told him what she could but not everything, in her numbness state she had also learn to block out the bad memories. She told him she was happy for high school, she say 4 more years and I'm out of here, going to New York. She wanted to be as far away from her mom and brother as soon as she could. He listened to her talk, telling her everyone figured her brother was bad news. Craig had always be a violent kid he used to beat up younger kids in grade school for years. She told Steve she was going to the closer high school with everyone she grew up with, not the one Craig was till attending as he would skip so much he failed a lot and fell behind. She refused to go to the same school as Craig, she wanted to be as far away as possible from him. She still had the fag memories or nightmares of the past, but now she would wake up telling herself it wasn't real over and over. She didn't tell anyone about the sexual abuse ever. Steve told her she could talk to him whenever and he wouldn't push her on anything. She felt  safe confiding in her friend.

Later that day in class two boy Ryan C. and Scott the pick this day to go after Vanessa. She had suffered years of bullying before about being adopted. It was always the same your so ugly your mom had to throw you away. Vanessa in Gr 8 she was athletic and strong. However she wasn't like the other girls typical petite girls in her gr. Vanessa had curves and muscles from 9 years of soccer, gymnastics, dance and horse back riding,  she was constantly getting bullied about her body by the boys and girls. While other girls where 95 lbs they actually would weigh themselves and talked about it like that was the pretty girl standard. Vanessa was 125 lbs in shape but made fun of for not being size 2 she was the typical hourglass shape, which she still hates. Someone in her future, would pressure her to lose weight, they had a belief cause of Vanessa's small waist and curves she could manage to weigh 106 lbs, if she would work out for hours and only intake 500 calories a day. This same person would complain about Vanessa's height of 5'7" telling her figure out a way to be 5'3" or 5'4" which isn't even possible. All the bullying, and being knocked down by someone who should have been there supporting her, she hates her outside shape, it's taking her time she is learning to love her curves little by little everyday. She works out everyday twice a day still, mentally it helps her, but she eats healthy. Right she is a size 8 if that is the best she will be she will learn to love herself. Just after everything she been through she still feels everyone judges her based on her outside. However she says she learning to embrace her curves as an adult.

Ryan C.was first to start as she walked into the classroom with the ugly comments, make fun of her weight. Today was a new low however when the boys said you so ugly even your dad need to get away from you by dying. Vanessa was so numb protecting her pain and good at it. She snapped, stood up for herself and instead of attacking her bullies back, she remembered her dads words. Bullies want to knock you down to make themselves feel better. She got up from her desk walked across the classroom stood right in front of the boys glaring at them saying what the fuck is your problem? She said are you ok? Turned and went back to her desk. The thing was even her grade 8 teacher, was hard on Vanessa, she was the one who ended up in trouble for sticking up for herself and swearing in class. The next day she came into school and felt it eyes in the hallways on her from every turn. She didn't like that feeling. She had become comfortable hiding her inner self from everyone except Julie her best friend and her other friend from horse back riding. The barn was her only safe and happy place, other than when acting in plays in school. Her grade 8 teacher, she would push Vanessa. Her homeroom teacher was also the music teacher, now Vanessa loves music, musicals the theatre all of it. When the bullying got worse after her dad died, and she finally felt her only safe place was the barn, away from everyone else. She wanted to hide so when the grade 8 class would have choir, or anything plays musicals for the school, Vanessa would do what she could to be in the background singing, where no one could here her. She got away with it a few times, but her teacher wasn't letting her get away with it for long. She started putting Vanessa back front and centre with solo's. Vanessa wanted to cry, her teacher would say we need your strong voice for this part. Vanessa loved theatre and singing, but she loved someone else being the lead or having the solo. Her teacher wouldn't listen. The grade 8 graduation ceremony was the worst though. Her mom wasn't going to come, Vanessa fought with her mom, to which she than told her mom fine I don't want you there if I am such and inconvenience for you. Her mom and brother than showed up at the grad. What made things worse it was 1995, and her homeroom teacher, though it would great if the class sang One Sweet Day by Mariah Carey and Boyz to Men, why the teacher picked that song she still doesn't know. She told Vanessa she would have a solo in front of the entire school and their parents. She tried to practice in room every night, and every time she would fall to ground in tears. Even during the day at school when the class would rehearse she would break and leave the stage, go into the bathroom and cry. She begged her teacher not to make her do the song at the grad, to leave her out of it. Vanessa somehow that night managed to find a new level of strength inside of her, maybe it was from the fight and anger with her mom. She sang with her classmates and even did the solo which afterwards she thought the bullying would get worse. Everyone in her class just looked at her, telling her she was born for this and talented. All she wanted to do though was escape the ceremony and go outside for air. She went outside and cried by herself alone in the bushes near the school. After than was the grad dance which was the hardest thing to watch, the first dance was a father dance, it was the first big event in her life that she would miss out on doing with her dad. Her friend Bonnies dad offered to dance with her, she said thank you but it's ok. It just wouldn't be the same at all, it was that moment she realized she had a million life changing events in her life that her dad would never be there for, she wasn't mad about it just broken.