Not yet drowning

The funeral & nightmare returns

January 3 it was around 7pm when Vanessa says she finally walked home. Her house felt empty inside. As she walked in she the front door she faced her mom, grandmother and brother. She just looked at them feeling completely dead and numb inside of her. Her grandmother dug into her first for leaving all day saying your mom needed you here to be strong for her. Your mom is broken missing her husband, time to grow up and be an adult. Her brother went after her next telling she was being selfish, than her grandmother and brother both went after her at once. She remembers being told that she needed to be there for her moms pain and tears and deal with her own feelings by herself. Vanessa just listened saying nothing, no tears, no pain just nothing inside of her. Her mother yelled at her again telling Vanessa it was her fault her father was gone, that if they didn't go for a drive 2 days before maybe her husband would still be alive. Her mother continued her assault adding she was exhausted from spending hours calling family members, co workers family friends anyone who her father had ever met. VanesSa asked if her mom had called her uncle her father older brother. Her mom mentioned she had but got no answer and she just couldn't do it. She told Vanessa you call your uncle and talk to him for me. Now Vanessa any other day would have love to talk to her uncle about anything, but telling him his younger brother her father had die, not to mention is was January 3rd one day before her uncle's birthday. Vanessa went into another room by herself that had a phone. She called him, once he said hello she was in tears not only for what she had to tell her uncle but also for the fact his voice sounded just like her fathers. It was almost a prank they would play on her her uncle would the house and she would answer saying hi dad, he go no it's your uncle Neil. When her dad would call she go hi Uncle Neil, her dad would laugh and say no my Cinderella it's your dad. This was the first time it hit her she would never once again answer the phone thinking it was her dad when it was her uncle. Now anytime her uncle would call the house she know there is no way it could be her dad again. She was in tears more wanting her her the words hi honey it's dad. Her uncle asked her why she was crying, she could barely breath trying to say the words even. He told her to take some deep breaths asking if everything was ok. She told him no and said she was so sorry that it was her fault, she said the words again like she told Julie that morning. Uncle Neil dad had a massive heart attack at home this more I'm sorry he's gone now. She couldn't stop the tears. Even now as she talks about it the tears flow like a river from her eyes. She says now she knows it wasn't her fault and her mother, had to blame someone for losing her husband. Vanessa will say for years she did think it was her fault, the what ifs would play on her mind, what if they didn't go for that drive on New Year's Day. What if she was stronger at CPR. What if she had told him about her night terrors when she was 4-8 years old. What if she had woken up earlier in the morning, if not anything she will say she would gotten one last hug one last good morning and I love you for her dad. It's been 26 years since this day and she still cry's it still hurts just as much as they say it happened she just had learned she can't change the past as much as she give anything for once last hug from her dad, it's her normal that she can't change. After she got off the phone with her uncle he kept telling her it wasn't her fault but she didn't believe him than she took on the blame herself too.

She went upstairs to her bedroom without dinner got into bed. She turned on her cassette player listening to some music she doesn't even really remember the tape she was listening too, just that she kept playing it over and over. It's something she still does now as an adult, she will say ever since that day sleep is something that is hard for her. She can go with as little as 3 hours of sleep, her brain doesn't stop thinking things. It's her anxiety at night time it plays tricks on her sometimes so every night she plugs in her iPhone and listens to anyone of her playlist for background noise to fall asleep. It came a coping for her but also something in her future she would need to feel safe just lying in her bed.