Not yet drowning

THE LIES BEGIN AGAIN

As 2013 closed out Ryan was more concerned with texting Lexi, ignoring Vanessa and the kids more and more everyday. The only time he pay his wife attention was when he wanted sex, which now had just become a good chore for her more than anything. There was even the odd time she be sleeping and wake up to Ryan inside of her, she would go well we are married so it's ok than, but the times she tell him to stop he ever listened. She would just give up and go sinking into the darkness but she didn't fight it much, it was the only time she felt any kind of affection from him. If she was sick, tired or had a migraine, and just wanting to go to sleep. Ryan would yell snap and flip out locking her out of their bed and room. She just made the choice it was easier, cause on the night she went to couch to sleep, he wouldn't stop he come yell at her convincing her to do what he wanted for hours, until she gave in to his needs. Their sex life wasn't and issue of not doing it, but more just cold and felt like work now. On the rare night she still walked away from Ryan going to the couch he come there getting what he wanted from her even though she would give in she really didn't want it and had told him before not tonight. He thought cause they where married that made her his property, sadly their today are still married on paper, he still thinks he owns her like a car or something. She lied to everyone his parents, the kids, her friends, even her birth family who just few years before had found her. 

That missing piece of her inner puzzle she always question, she finally got the answers. She was close to her birth mom, talked with her siblings even went he her brothers kids sports games. It made her happy that she had a family again. that she knew where she came from who she looked like, even her own kids she could she her birth family in them. Eventually though Ryan was getting annoyed with going to her family things, he get mad yell fight with her till she dropped it. Than one day they stopped going. She was giving up the fight more and more with Ryan, she let him walk all over her. She still had that fighter inside of herself, but she put it into herself more and more. She was losing weight working out at the gym, spending time with her friends. She fake herself being happy around her husband and family, after all she did act in high school, got into film school. Not one person knew what was really going on inside their marriage or herself, including Ryan. There was times more and more she would almost yell I want a divorce, it was coming to the surface.

By 2014, she was looking better and better being happy with herself no matter Ryan's comments of it still taking to long for his liking. He wanted a trophy wife, a size 2, he even wonder if their was away doctors could make Vanessa go from 5'7 to 5'2 she looked at him in shock with that remark. The kids where busy with school, friends, sleepovers and karate classes. Vanessa became involved with volunteering at karate events, like class sleepovers and camping weekend trips with karate dojo. She had moms she was friends with there and here kids where best friends with their kids as well. Vanessa would do anything for her kids to be happy, she says looking back that really the reason she never walked away from Ryan over the years. She was scared the kids would be unhappy. She realizes now she was dying inside for her kids happiness, looking back though even they weren't happy. Their dad was miserable, yelled, punch holes in walls that they would hide with posters, pictures, hell they would even used pieces of cardboard. Ryan said he fixed the walls now all over the house by than, funny how that never happened ever. The amount of broken walls, pictures furniture, mirrors anything he could get his hand on when he lost his temper. It was like her brother when she was younger, she never saw this side of Ryan, but with the loss of his sport they day his dad told him racing was done. Ryan hated his life and snapped blaming Vanessa for his life and failure in his sport. He still would say he got nothing from racing, no sponsors with loads of money, she told him once if that was the only reason your racing than that's why your not getting the results you wanted. She also looked at him in shock saying we met at racing you got a wife and kids, a family from that sport, but that meant nothing to him. Ryan was more about material things and money than Vanessa ever had been she still doesn't care about those things, said what matters to her isn't what someone does for a career as long as they are happy doing something they love. What matters most to her is how they treat other people and her too. She said this is something her dad taught her and she instills in her own kids too.