Not yet drowning

Her heart had hope

It summer time in between grade 10 and grade 11. Vanessa was still involved with her horse back riding. She was working part time at the barn. Part time as movie theatre on evenings and some weekends, also at pet store when she could. She was saving up paying for her riding, her car and schooling to get away. Her goal was to get out of her home and go to New York that was her drive. Her brother still doing drugs, violent as usual her mother ignoring every time. He could do no wrong in their moms eyes. He was still doing his sport. Her mother supported him even volunteered at his sport and had friends there. Vanessa was all for it but wish her mother would take some kind of interest in her life. Vanessa was doing anything to feel any shred of her moms approval or love, but nothing was ever good enough. They where just to different, Vanessa loved sport, singing and acting. She had dreams and goals, she wasn't settling or giving up on them. Her mom would try and tell her your never going to get there, you need to just finished high school live with some of your girlfriends, go out and party like I did at that age, find some boy settle for anyone even, get a receptionist job and that can be your life like mine. Thing is looking back over her childhood, Vanessa looks are how her mom was always napping in bed, their home was somewhat clean not the greatest but liveable. She realizes now her mom was suffering from depression Vanessa's entire childhood. She wonders why though, she had a great husband they where best friends, they didn't really fight just would talk about things like politics her dad was very big into politics, but her parents would disagree on things like that nothing more. She wonders why was her mom so depressed, looking back and remembering some stuff her mom and grandmother would say she now has it figured out. Again though that was Vanessa's mom's life, she didn't want that life, she wanted to live her own life. She want to do something with her life. Vanessa says now all these years later, she feels like she is on the right path for herself to do something hopefully she loves and that she hopes it helps others. For now though in her teenage years she was focused on her dreams and goals, nothing was going to make her lose that drive and focus. 

Everyday Vanessa would get up do her jobs anything to be out of the house. Eventually coming home get cleaned up make something like salad or pick at some fruits or something for dinner. After her dad passed she turned away from all meats. She'd go to her room get lost in a book listen to music, write in her journal her dreams. her emotions. Eventually after hours she crash out she given up on ever feeling any kind of form of love again in her life. All she felt at home was she was hated. She only had one crush on some boy she had seen in educational video many times over the years at school. She didn't like any boys at her school they where all players. Some where cute but also bullies so they became ugly to her. She felt she wasn't meant for love of any kind, sadly now in her future she feels that was again. She is ok with it if she is alone the rest of her life, she just wants everyone she cares about to be loved and happy. She' s ok with her reality now because as an adult she has a love for lots of things including having love for herself this time around.

Than it happened hitting her like a tone of bricks one day in the summer. Her brother had a huge tournament for his sport. She hadn't gone to watch him in years either. Her mother though made her help out this time on the weekend saying they needed the help. Vanessa did her famous eye roll at her mother as usual. She grind and bared going. She got there, saw this boy her old friend she had made a few years ago. He was shocked when he saw her. She locked eyes with him and in that moment she felt something again in her heart and soul she hadn't felt in years. She felt hope. Now he was cute she still admits that. Ryan lived 30 mins away in a different town. He was quiet shy and nice. Nothing like his older brother who every girl liked. His brother was loud mean rude and a player through and through. Something Vanessa never liked her friends would go he so charming and attractive, but for Vanessa she like Ryan. They had some similar goals they both wanted to go to the states one day. They didn't drink do drugs, smoke. They both had older brother's who had those habits that brought out the worst in them. They where both focused on their goals for the future.