Not yet drowning

Turning 19

April 6th came Vanessa's 19th birthday, she was excited. Ryan and her went to her moms for a couple hours, her mom gave some money for her birthday. They left and headed to a birthday dinner at Ryan parents house. Ryan gave her a new cell phone for her birthday and horse painting for their apartment. Ryan was in a weird mood, when they grabbed the dinner his parents has made, which by than Vanessa no longer a vegetarian his parents loved steak and meat. They pressured her saying if you have and iron issue you should be eating meat. Now a days she hates meat still but for health reasons with anemia she is a pescatarian. Vanessa ate other things to help with that issue, but she gave in but only a sticking to either chicken or seafood. She hated beef, or pork and refused to eat it. His parents understood it was more to do with Vanessa losing her dad than anything. They had a good night and dinner but Ryan made a point of mentioning to her to watch how much she ate. He said she shouldn't have a piece of her marble birthday cake or ice cream. Vanessa was upset on her birthday but let it go, telling herself that was her way of helping her. His parents told her to have a small piece of cake but when she got back home she did 3 hours of working out. Ryan had told her she need to work out for hours all day when she could. She was limiting to 800 calories a day. She was motivated to reach her goal anyway possible. She was trying to drop only 30 bounds cause she wanted to feel happy in her own skin. She also wanted to feel loved more and felt if she was perfect he would be happier.

Truthfully Ryan had gone to the top level of racing was pro but he wasn't getting the results he wanted just yet. he was in a bad mood more often than not. Vanessa would push him to go ride his bike and their other younger friend Sammy he started and training, he looked up to Ryan.

Jennifer and Jake had move to the Toronto, with another racing friend, they where going less and less big races in the states. They liked the party life and racing when they could. Where as Ryan, Vanessa and now 16 year old Sammy had the passion and drive for the sport. Sammy was a natural at the sport, Ryan gave him advice, they considered Sammy the brother they both always wanted. Sammy and Vanessa had fun talking with each other, there where times when sammy's used suv wouldn't work and he call her, asking if she could give him drives to his work after school. She never said no, Vanessa would put anyone before herself and help them. Something she still is like today, it's a huge part of her soul.

Lately with her hours now being manager at her work, She was getting up at 3am in the morning, opening the store at 4:30am and working till 2pm. Vanessa was exhausted she spend time with Ryan training and riding. Limiting her calorie in take as usual, Ryan would get back from work around 7pm sometimes later as it was spring and business was crazy. She wanted to spend time with him, she make dinner do laundry clean the apartment and take the dog they had adopted together for walks and runs until he would be home. Vanessa was going to sleep between 12am and 1am getting not sleep. She started getting sick from exhaustion thinking it was stress and some weird flu, so she end up napping after work which was never normal for her ever. Really she could go with no sleep anything for 24 hours but now she felt like she hit a wall.

She remembers going to the Christmas bike race in Columbus again on boxing day. She was always tired, she pushed herself in her pro girl class. She loved racing, on boxing day her and Jennifer where practicing, Vanessa crashed a couple times but it was nothing bad. She had couple bruises but she was ok. She always says if your afraid to fall or get hurt in any sport, than you probably shouldn't be doing it. On the 27th her, Jennifer Ryan watch as everyone including Jake race the president's cup. We was a race where states completed against each other. Ryan never completed in it even though it would gain some good points for Ontario. Which Vanessa' mom and brother where angry that Ryan wouldn't race it. Vanessa understood he could get hurt and the race wasn't the important days of the entire  4 day competition. That didn't stop Craig and their mom yelling at Vanessa, who just mentally and physically drained at this point. She still defended Ryan to them or anyone who would say one bad word about him. Even though he wasn't always the nicest to her.