I'll Always Look Out For You

15 | Loss | 9 Years Old

Ray. The older brother he never had. They were, give or take, 8 years apart in age. But Jack knows that he and Ray were really close. He misses Ray so, so much.

He touches his red bandana. Ray's red bandana. Their red bandana.

Carrying our banner.

"I'll never forget, Ray," Jack whispers. He looks up. "I'll never forget you."

He gets no response. What was he expecting though, really? For someone to answer? For Ray to materialize right then and there on the rooftop beside him? A ghost? None of that is realistic.

Then Jack remembers something. He pulls out the worn out dime novel from his pocket. "I'm not forgetting Santa Fe, Ray." He opens it up, caresses it. He knows every word on all those pages. "When I told you I wanted to go to Santa Fe, I had no clue what I was saying. You told me to follow my dream. Even when I didn't know what I wanted. But now I know. Santa Fe is freedom. And I promised you a few of things, Ray. I'm intent on keeping all of 'em. I'll stay until Antonio no longer needs an older brother. I won't do anything so messed up that it would get you mad at me. And most importantly, I won't forget who I am. I'll wear your bandana every day. No matter how many times you told me that it was mine, it still is yours, Ray. Nothin' is ever gonna change that." He goes quiet. "I love you, Ray. I'm so glad that you were in my life, always there for me." He sighs. "I just wish you were here for me still."

-----------

Now, it's the end of the year. It isn't the same without Ray to get everyone excited for the holidays. He'd tell them that even though it was really cold, people would take pity on them. And maybe even be more generous with their payment. That always got everyone through December. Then Ray would make sure that Christmas was special for everyone.

This year, Christmas was different. December 25th came, and December 25th left. They were grateful not to be out selling. Sure, they spent time together and got each other little things, but no big festive gathering. Now, it's the last week of 1892.

It's the end of the year, and ... people are leaving.

Morris and Smoke are leaving.

Antonio was distraught when he found out. He can't have anyone else leave. They've had the same number of newsies in the lodging house since...no.

Some of them try to calm him down.

"How can you leave us?" Antonio yells at them. "How can you leave the lodging house? Just like that? Do we mean nothing to you?"

"Antonio, they're just getting older," Crutchy tries to explain.

"It's time we've moved on," Morris tells him.

"Yeah, we'se gonna make a living in the real world now," Smoke adds.

Antonio doesn't understand. "What do you mean the real world? Ain't this the real world too?"

"Antonio-"

"Ray stayed-" Antonio tries to start, his voice getting louder. Maybe if he mentions Ray, that will get people to stay, and everything will stay the way it is and won't keep changing. It's not a good plan, but he's low on options.

"Ray only stayed because of you, Antonio!" Jack finally snaps. "Newsies normally leave by the time they're 21! Ray was really fond of you, Antonio. That's why he stayed. And because he felt obligated to look after you. But he ain't here no more. No one stays forever. Nothing lasts forever!" His voice raised with each sentence. He was really worked up.

Antonio swallows. Jack never yells at him like this. He must be really mad. He can feel their bond breaking a little. Maybe he's just being dramatic. But his mind is convinced now that Jack no longer likes him. At all. He feels the words stop in his throat. He bites his lip. He just knows that he won't be able to talk for a while now. And he just got back to talking, too. And he just proved a point: no one actually likes him.

Jack is still breathing hard. He realized he made a mistake. I did exactly what Ray told me not to. I yelled at Antonio. Then he sighs. "Nothin' lasts forever," Jack repeats, calmer, more disheartened. "Nothin', ya hear? Nothin.'" 

That was sad to write. Really melancholy.

How are all of you feeling? I haven't made it easy, that's for sure.

The thing is, though, spring's coming for them. And things will get better. And they'll move on.

I love this quote: "What is grief, but love preserving?" said in WandaVision by Paul Bettany/Vision. I'm glad Paul Bettany insisted it be there. It really has comforted me. And as I write this chapter, I think of it now.

The line Why do you write like you're running out of time? from Hamilton is kinda how I'm feeling right now, and it haunts me. It haunted me since I first heard it, but in the moment...

I'm going on a "road trip" as my mom is calling it, for two days, so I can't update until next week. But let's just examine this: from August 2nd to August 6th, I've gotten an author's note page, a prologue, and fifteen chapters up and running. I need to come up with ideas for the next 5 chapters. I got a few things in mind. I hope you'll enjoy those! :)

This was definitely on the shorter side of things. They weren't ALL going to be that long. I am really inconsistent with everything haha. Length, plot, their newsie accents, updates, what I keep historically accurate...it all changes consistently. 

Please, no homophobia, profanities, hate etc in the comment section at any time.

Best,

~Your Beloved Author (who has been really good at hyperfocus the past couple days)