Second Choice

Chapter 17

WARNING - BAD GRAMMAR

Christmas was coming and goodness knows the amount of trouble that will bring. Every year at christmas something always went wrong. I shuddered as to what could go wrong this year. As I lay in bed, I thought to christmas a few years ago where the man who claims to be my father – or as Id like to say the sperm – decided to disrupt christmas.

Flashback – six years ago xmas eve

He was here. Why? Maybe he missed me. My mum had a stern face and was most likely fuming. I didn't understand. Dad was here. He was back. Looking down at me with red eyes. I just giggled. Dad was silly. He was talking funny, all slurred. So I talked for him

And talked and talked.

He had missed so much. I hadn't seen him since the funeral. He barely visits me. Maybe im not good enough for him that's why he doesn't visit very much. Think happy thoughts. I continued to smile and chatter and I sat on his lap when he sat down.

He started bouncing me on my leg and I smiled. Don't think about Jeremiah. I saw his picture the other day and I missed him a lot. I hope he returns soon, we need to play games.

Later that evening, he and mum were yelling at each other. I didn't understand why. Mum sent me to bed early before all the crashing occurred. I couldn't sleep but I was too scared to go to mum. So I crept out of bed towards my cousin's room. It was locked, I didn't know what to do.

I went back to my room and cried. I cried for grandma and Jeremiah, I missed them both, I wished they could be here for Christmas but its ok. Think happy thoughts. And so I went to bed only to find out in the morning that Christmas was ruined.

End flashback

I never liked drugs or alcohol, they always had bad memories. So it was no surprise when I caught sight of it I nearly vomited. Alcohol remined me of him. And I hated him. The sperm. He was in rehab soon to be leaving after his 5 year time. I was dreading it. All hopes that he had forgotten me, his daughter were in vain. Every year he would send a xmas card or a birthday card – never both- as if that would mean we had the perfect relationship. The stupid bastard couldn't even remember the day I was born so how the hell did he think I would welcome him with open arms. Stupid hoe.

I blamed him for a fair number of things, the main one being, why did I have to be born. I blame him for giving me life and I blame him for my life. I did not ask for this. I did not want this. Maybe I should sue, I was born without my consent – if only I could.

Every single day I woke up with the threat to being sent to his house. Every day I refused. Why send your child to a man who never seemed to care for her, who knows. He was coming out soon, tomorrow actually. I never wanted to see him again. Not after what he did, but I still cant help but wonder, what if I was better, would he have wanted me then? I was always a mamas girl but he was the figure I yearned for to make that perfect family that everyone seemed to imagine. Two parents in a stable marriage, a wish upon a star. Almost all my friends parents were separated, I was just the first of us.

I ended up spending the day cleaning my room and lazing thoughts, until I got a call around 3. it was him, again. Smiling, I picked up the phone and talked.

"G'day mate"

***

After about 10 minutes of talking, I got a text from merri telling me to meet her at the park asap. Of course, I did just that (may or may not have snuck out). When I met her at the park, I was shocked to see azalia there. Needless to say I haven't exactly spoken to her after the incident at her house. This should be fun. As we stared at each other, merri just laughed awkwardly and started spilling random gossip. I was only half listening and looking out at my surroundings when I saw something strange, no. It couldn't be. "hello, earth to jayla" called merri – trying to get me to snap out of it. "whats with ya?" she asked

"trying to be an attention seeking b*tch" muttered azalia so lowly I could barely hear her. I just rolled my eyes at her. Checking the time, I realized I had to get home quickly and dipped yelling out goodbyes.

I managed to arrive home (through the window) just as my mum opened the door. "why are you wearing shoes?" she asked suspiciously. Lying smoothly I told her I was about to come downstairs and ask if I can go for a walk. Thankfully she believed it but didn't allow it "you can go later" she said "for now, finish up your room – maybe head down to the gym instead of your walk, it might do you some good.

The moment she left through the door I fell face first onto my bed. Ugh parents, gotta love them. After contemplating life and my scars (many many new ones had been added over previous days) I decided to just comply, play along and make like everything's fine when its not, im not fine, I stopped being fine 6 years ago. I will never be the same. But that's fine, because they all seem happy.